STARTING NOW, STARTTTTTTTTTT

oh. Housewarming, I meant.

I think I have already figured out where I should put all my tedious stuff. Only maybe 5% of tedious stuff I havent settled.......which are the worst nightmare as always. On top, both of the NOTTIE hounds are like inspecting me.....checking on me....dictating me.....It's really frustrating when they try to put their noses to what U r trying to grab or......when I squad down to arrange some stuff, they would jump on my lap, or they would try to take my hand away so I can touch them, stroke them. No wonder I can never keep a man.......kekkekeke

I believe my housewarming parties will start this wk. Tomorrow, My fren is taking her dog here. Then Friday, few of my frenz will be coming over. Then guess next week, I will get Bruce gang to come...then other & others. YEH!

My place is not that "nice" but my frens who dropped by said...they find here very cozy N comfy. I finally understand, I belong to vintage............vintage, old place suit me. I luv old places too. My floor, no one would be here after MN....luv it. ^^

LETS PARTEEEEEE

Need Help

I guess Bruce will help me. Ummmm, I think it's time I should start on my books, all whirlwind feeling has stopped and thunderstom, hurricane have already subsided. It's time, I should compile something together....

I am re-watching My Sassy Girl, actually it was started from the internet blogging. I mean the story is so simple, but it offers enough mild twist with lovely moments to spark a movie....

Guess mine should be enough from a Triology - but the 3rd one should be shot after I am dead. heheheeheheh

See See who wants to help me to sculpt the ideas together.....:D

I am so KIDDO

U see, a fren - yes trying to court me - got a present for me from Mexico. I hope it's Mexican....hope not just grab it somewhere from USA.........but I so want to know what that surprise is.....man, hope he doesnt disappoint me. If it's not a good surprise or Mexican, I dont see him again. Maybe he would just get me a tequila.....lol..........that wud be nice too. Good for housewarming purposes. hehehehehehe

Just such a small gesture makes one so excited, I am so kiddo. But I luv surprises. Good ones, of coz. Having too many bad surprises for too long la.......need some good ones to make life brighter, yeh!?!?

Just FUCKING step

I jsut fucking want to throw my dogs out
THEY fucking follow ME EVERY FUCKING STEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
I cant do anything, as SHADOW just wants to see if I got any food to eat
BEFORE I begged her to eat, she ignored me
NOW SHE WANTS TO FUCKING OVEREAT
SHE EVEN WANTS TO EAT ME

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK, thanks, I just need to yell somewhere.

Trouble

Lyrics | Kelly Clarkson - The Trouble With Love Is lyrics

Seriously

X Files tames my emotion.
I had a test during these few days.
I watched lighter movies like - I should say rewatched them - Luv actually, Luv in the Puff, My Sassy gal - these movies were supposed to be funny, of coz they have a twist of romance too. ARGH...shit, died. So now I can only turn on X Files.
Well, I dont hv pure nutty american comedies....maybe I shud go n get some. I dont even know which would make me laugh.....I just cud remember - SOmething about Mary was the only movie that made me laugh till my head off......but of coz that was like thosand years ago.

:)

Dream about my Parents

LOL.....how they got me!!!!!

Well, first off, I had a dream about a psycho......I couldnt remember if he had some kinda superpower or not. I just remember he knew he was trying to call me, and I was trying not to answer the call, and I used I got a project somewhere...etc etc.....and he went there to look for me......buzzing me......the fact was I was so tired that I went home to sleep.....inside the dream, I was quite scared of him, somehow I knew maybe he would kill me or something.

Then, the next moment was how my dad & my mom met....I always believe they had me hence they got married. I never confirm with them. hehe...anyways...........inside the dream, my mom was very chic kinda gal back in her time, they were dressed as 60's, 70's look. And she was out with her frenz (actually I think they told me in real, they met in a picnic or something, very old-school)......she wanted to dance. Then, there was this special effect fog inside of the "disco"......ie where my dad appeared. He started to chat my mom up but my mom was kinda ignoring him. He said it's his first time, my mom of coz was abit skeptical about that. Then, my mom was trying to find her frenz, and my dad asked her "dont leave me here"....kakakaka, she was really quite chic & pretty there. Anyways, the final shot was my mom couldnt get home so my dad brouight him home............of coz the bed thing I didnt dream but I knew what they were doing next.

LOL, I AM SO SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.....................................

Weird, maybe I hv had alotta dreams about my family, only these 2 nites I could remember.

Hangover is actually good...

Well, first off, I have to say this....lately whenever I have few more drinks, I do have a bit of hangover, not as good as a drinker than before, lack of practice. The worst thing is that, I would sleep for maybe 3 hrs, then somehow I would get up and couldnt go back to sleep maybe after another few hrs. It's very traumatizing, as U r supposed to sleep, rite....?!?! Then I would force myself to eat something.............then try to get back to sleep.

However, I find that now I kinda understand why people would go drunk after some moodiness....or broken heart, coz hangover is worse than feeling sad............it's very disturbing in your head, your body, so kinda it makes me forget why I am not happy about - which in magical way makes me happy and hopeful again. I mean, hopeful in terms of my alone future......it's very enlightening for me.

Now, I am super tired and sleepy, but I just took shadow to vet.....and gotta go back and pick her up now. I just gotta get home to check on Lottie, as she wud be super mad why I always brought the big sis out and never her..................so I gotta go back and let her see me......sigh, being a mom is so difficult. U gotta take care of each of their feelings. I think being my dogs are so lucky in a way too...........a mom would run around like that for both of them............I hope they do know I am a good mom and luv them very much. hehe

Lesbian Dream

I had 2 dreams today. Though, I had some kinda hangover....I had one 50cl or a pint(?) hoegarden, 2 white, then some chiva, some more beer at K......YAWN.

OK first dream.

I was taking my sis boy somehow to go to a theme park with very thrilling rides. I did put him on alotta clothes, and when I arrived, my mom told me that he was cold.....then I said, maybe forgot to let him wear a scarf. Then, somehow I made my whole family (no dad) to ride the game....and it was quite scary. I kept thinking maybe somehow the ride wud throw my sis boy out. hahaha.....but in my head I was actually thinking, how often I forced them to do the things I want to do....:P

Then, 2nd dream was a lesbian dream. She's a korean. Not so much we did stuff. It was more talking but I kinda knew we were an item.However, we were kinda breaking up as well. I am not sure I was actually a man or a woman in the dream, lets assume I was a woman to make it more interesting. 

Anyhow, I was at her place. She rented a very unusal corner......I believe the house has few storey, all open space. So each floor (very small, maybe max 200 sq ft or 20 sq m) and with the bathroom at the top floor. Then somehow, we gathered to play a board game.......with other dudes. And I recognize one face - she appeared in my dream before. And she was pregnant and we were congratulating her for her wedding in coming days.......weird, huh!!??

Guess, maybe I was in my alternate universe. I went there once in a while with my present soul. hehe.....I could very well be a les there, or bi. I prefer bi....more choices. hehe. Thoug what fathomed me was the gal that I knew.....she was in my other dreams....ie the weird part, guess she was single before and now in this present tense, she was getting married.

Ummm, apart from believing in fairy tales, I do believe in alternate universe. I mean more like being intrigued by it, as it's I believe why we have deja vu, or dreams like that.

Interesting!!!!!

I dont have that many books.....N the Bible

I was trying to read World Without End....it's a huge and crammed book. But I was hoping something more fantasy-ie. Guess the title conned me. Maybe I should go back to Lord of the Rings instead. I am trying to pick a book from my shelf, nothing satisfy me, after reading Brida. Maybe I should be diligent enough to just finish Unbearable Lightness of Being - but this belongs to my on-flight read, so I dont want to finish it on land. It's not like I would be travelling but I am asking God to give me a job that makes me fly alot. hehe.

I guess, I finally get some things. So I hope books could ground me alittle. I feel May is going to be better. Less hurricane-like storms......guess there should be some lightning, but hurricanes shud be no more. Sigh, wasted so much time....why do we have to waste time to understand life? Why cant we have a menu that comes with already in mother's womb?! Then, its so easy to have a fulfilling life. Haha, but fulfilling life without scars - maybe it's not a real life. Why somehow I like christiany, it always talks about Free Will. Honestly, to many this "religion" doesnt sound like giving us that. But whatever ways to see, it's a good doctrine.

Though, can I challenge the christians abit.......where does in the Bible say God gave us Free Will? I couldnt recall anywhere I read it, just like Adam & EVE didnt eat "APPLE" - it's not an APPLE tree. Is it more like the Bible implies God gives us Free Will - then it wouldnt be exactly God's word, rite? It's more like human interpretation.

Lately, I do want to read Bible again. Little known to many, it's a great book. I mean, for christian, it's spiritual essentials. To me, it's wisdom essentials.

Ummm.....good I am starting to use my brain to rationalize things again. hehe.

yes ie what I need to do now., rationalize & internalize.

YEA, all about me reaches 100 ENTRIES la. ^^

My way to tame my wild horse - no.1

WATCH X FILES.
hahahahaha.................I find X Files tame me. It  calms me.
Somehow, aliens can tame the wildness inside.

I LUV X FILES.

Shadow eye look look Lottie bungie jump

CLICHE ME

I watched this show....more than 3 times, hehe....CITY HALL - CLICHE KOREAN. LUV IT, though. hehe.
Just wanna share some songs here....^^

I love you again and again





Uncertain Luv
Dont freaking know what she sings but everytime it brings tears, dunno why.



Dont say Goodbye
Luv the lyrics....man.....hahahahaha

I AM JEALOUS

Bruce had a very very detailed ploted Inception dream

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want it too.
Maybe I am too shallow. Shits.

:(

My First Chapter....

no, it should be my 1st page....of the first chapter of the book I was planning to write after a super sci-fi concepted movie dream - yes humans could walk under water and I was one of the being trained ones. LOL...yes in my dream! 

Argh, but then my ideas were abit scatchy and complicated, I didnt continue it, as I wasnt sure how to connect the dot....from Matrix recycling human to my underwater training to I was mummified and then brought back to life.....knowing that by one touch I could turn things into salt. LOL

Abit stupid huh!!??? Never mind.....

Let me show U the first page now.

Current Time: 2015 Dec

Weather: Gloomy

View: The moon is unusually huge

Orion and clusters of unknown-name stars are observable from where I sit

Temperature: Unusually a warmer day than the last three Dec nights

My memory is drifting off to 3 years ago, when the moon was just a 5 dollar coin size from where I sit.

I once said

The saddest thing a person has is lack of hope. Someone told me before they lost hope. Umm, I always argue that it's the worst kind of death sentence. Then another fren called me the other day talking about life vision, life goal, direction, etc......

Kinda started me thinking. No matter how much I dont want to be a zombie all these years, somehow I have been one for many years, in many ways. Where do all the years , seconds, minutes gone to, gone by?

I went for some interviews, that accelerate how I feel. I cant blame it on bad luck. I cant blame it on the assholes. 

As I am trying to take on the responsibility to myself, I think I still have hope. It's so easy to blame others for our sufferings. I dont like people blaming on the universe or god or their parents or their whatever.....

I always think that somehow I am given many opportunities to challenge my width of  talents, my depth of wisdom, my length of patience.......somehow I so believe in karma that I really hope I could live off all the karma of the past. I always believe there;s a reason why I gotta go through all these years. Hence, I always have a mission that I would be there for people who are lost, who have sorrows......and someday I should write a book to encourage people based on my experience, my theories, my thinkings. Ummm, this blog is a way to do so. As people glance through it, they could see my struggles - I am not as arrogant as I appear. Not as smart and tough as people believe. I am but a mere human with some ET outerspacey ability. hehe.

I trust that my life is going to be fine. Not just fine. It's going to be fantastically fabulous. Though, honestly this time is hard for me to believe it, yet......in order to not waste all my efforts, I need to press on believing it I will be fine, I will be fabulous. How could I not? The universe is fair, as I believe. As Always U need chaos before calmity. U need asymmetrical before symetrical. U need emptiness before full.

I luv the fact that.....even a broken clock could be right twice a day, meaning, I get chances to be right afterall.

:)

Wild Horse

Emotion is wild horse, how can U tame it?
Sorry, I believe these couple weeks, whatever I am writing here is going to be absolutely bullshits. And I am sorry to blind your eyes with so much depressive thoughts, nagging ideas & negative negative.

I just cant help it, and I dont want to tame it AT ALL.

My high school fren laughed at me today. :(
She said I deserved it. haha, she;s kinda rite. I used to mock at her too much.
Always asked her to get a grib........shits said now  I am shits. :(

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
VINDICATE ME.
RELEASE ME.
DILUTE ME.
DIFFUSE ME.
SCATTER ME.
OSMOSIS ME.

Sorry......I am really really really really distorted today.
Sorry.

How to tell...

I am moody.

I started writing a short story, I stopped after 3 lines.

I started writing an email, I stopped after 10 lines.

I started writing a letter, I stopped after 30 lines.

I started writing here, I stopped after 3 lines of 3 different entries.

Then I discarded them.

Suddenly I want to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer - coz it's so juvenille and funny and witchy.

All demons, magic.

Or maybe I should start reading The Great Dialogue of Plato.

Inspiration. Aspiration. COME UNTO ME.

COME DOWN IN A FIRE.

Restless, LEAVE ME. CAST U OUT IN THE NAME OF SHADOW & LOTTIE.

Thoughtful. LEAVE ME. CAST U OUT IN THE NAME OF MAUS.

Ich verfehle ihn

Just some scattered reflection

I was thinking. I am a person who remember people's eyes alot.
I observe the eyes, listen to the words (vocab).
I could remember if I like someone's smell or not.

Ummm, then I realize, actually I am not sure what I want to say, I have 2 thoughts.
First one is - I realize I couldnt remember his eyes. Except by impression, he has sad, lonely, tired eyes.
2nd one is - would it be possible that my soul connection I thought I had with him was not real? Ummm, yet, it's hard for me to comprehend also.

How could one be able to communicate with the soul, not remember the eyes?
And how would one need the eyes when the soul to soul have connected?

Ummm.............WOW, new things everyday!

Great Pickup Line

In Ancient Persia, they had this custom.
Whoever is paying the bill of the night, named the KING of the night.
So he will have one bottle of wine, one bottle of water in place.
2 glasses.
If he pours into 2 glasses same portion of water & wine, it means he wants to talk both serious & pleasure issues.
If he pours more wine, means he wants to talk pleasure stuff.
If he pours more water, means he wants something serious.

NOW writing it doesnt seem very pick-up-ky. BUT,
when I was reading it, I knew it would be my great pickup line to get someone to pay for the bill.

HEHE. Adopted fr Brida.

Wine = my perfume?! & Others

- OK, I have met some different people who told me they liked wine or they tasted wine or something like that, but never someone has taught me abit of how to taste & smell, esp white. Sorry, I suck at this area. Also, I dont have much patience in diciphering "the wine". But last nite, this new friend of mine taught me alittle bit, and that wine reminded me of my own perfume, and actually he agreed. It was FUN. Didnt know that White Wine could have "different layers" too, but to me, I couldnt tell the layers, more like segmentation. hehe. FUN. It tastes unlike other white I used to drink, guess they were cheap then.....haha

- Ear-Rings. 

Sigh, I luv this teardrop vintage like ear-ring so much but I kept losing them.....until one left. Yes I had 2 pairs, now only one left. Luv it......but well, never mind, my hair is longer so I just wear one side instead. Hope I could find something like that somewhere again one day.

- Brida.

Was reading this  book by Paulo Coleho, it's about soulmate & tradition of Sun/Moon. Well, didnt even know I got this book.....anywhow, I finished it within a day. I always wanted to finish one of his books and finally I managed it. I luv some of the quotes and will post it here someday. However, it speaks very similar as my thinking.......I think really it's time I should start my book writing.

- Shadow

LOOK AT HER!!!! Her eyes are bigger now. WIll take her to vet tomorrow....I really hope it's simple liver infection. Oddly, she became more active after I came back from my trip.....and esp I kept telling her no matter how I would do my best to save her. Ummm, finger crossed.

- Books

Contemplating what's next book to read. Should read more, yea. yea.

Look Alike Sammi & Housewarming

As my bookshelf arrived, and the balcony chair set came....I was trying to assemble them, the result was great but not without damages....yes MY TOE. I hvnt hurt my toe for ages....OUCH. So painful.

Then my few of my frenz came, just to visit my dogs.....and of coz I revealed my past, yes photo album. LOL....they couldnt recognize me at all. And then I saw one that I was asked  by a japanese photography student to be his model....gosh, it's so funny!! And then I realize that why my ex said I looked like Sammi, some angle I do look like a little bit.

And then my fren reminded me I promised of housewarming, but honestly I dont think I wud have one. Maybe just have a flow of house parties at my place, whoever is free, bring some expresso capsules (yes my fren is going to buy me an expresso machine, hehehehe), or wines, or candles not from Ikea. I will be sure to present my photo albums, I am sure U r gonna be amazed, and in awe....lol....then some drinks, cheese, snacks at balcony.....WHAT A LIFE!!! I just had my first lunch at balcony - SUPER COZY!!!!!!

Show it here some of the pics I took like years ago as a "model" lol

I just luv this kinda vintage dress......I am gonna stay fit and to be fitted into these again, before I turned 40....hohohohoho........no, 45..........heheheheheh

ENJOY.

For the ugly but adorable pics from Uni, U gotta visit my place to check that out. :D

After One week, Shadow is...

After one week of refusal to eat, today, to my surprise, I could hear her tummy grumbling....gloorrrhhhh gluuuuuuu............so I fed her few kibbles, and she finished them. Then I gave her some chicken, she finsiehd them. Then a pc of dog biscuit my sis made, she finished it....despite it took a while, I just put it at her food tray....let her decide for herself. 

I never have a pb with shadow doesnt want to eat...so now seeing her eat makes me overjoyed. I have become rested within, abit anyways. Hence, I made myself a pot of coffee as I didnt even make any for past 1 week. Now its time I could have a good cuppa.

She's less clingy, but I could see that she's happier. I hope it's just simple liver infection, but not liver cancer. I do want her to spend another 5 years with me.......:D

Thanks for your concern or your prayer. :)

Believing

It's been a tough last week, I never took so long and still experiencing the roller coaster hairraising thoughts....Really, usually I could settle down within 3 days, but I only allowed myself 1 day usually. 

This time, it's not as easy, guess it's something very alien to me. I can forsee it will take me 10 times more time to get settled down. But it's a good experience, somehow, I realize, I could untab another side of my brain & heart. It's a good learning experience, I have to say, I mean regardless whatever the outcome is going to be.

And I thought before I was fearless, super cool...nah...I am not at all, really. Super uncool. haha. It's good to know that I am not that perfect or mature and I realize I am still but a child inside. GREAT! It gives me some hope so that I will continue to explore the world, the human nature, the inner core.

However, I believe in human, no matter what, has a hint of kindness within. I remember when I was in early 20's, I wrote something like.....no matter how wicked or evil a person is, they can never win LUV. I used Hitler as an example in my writings. & of coz some serial killers too. I feel, even the world thinks he's evil, I strongly believe at some points he was kind, he did have the hint of goodness in him. I dont believe in 100% good or 100% evil. I am a greyish person anyhow. Of coz he's twisted......yet, I still strongly believe when a killer kills, yes the thrill thrill them, BUT I do believe somewhere somehow there must be a kind voice calling out for them...........of coz they could be deafened by the thrill, the excitement....ummm........

For me, I believe in the people I have 99.9% believe in. If I read that person, I know in my heart that he's what I see. So I still have belief, I have hope, and afterall I live in my fairy tale, believing in goodness of poople, believing in the kindness of humans' heart.

Actually, as I mentioned there was a scam last month, what I didnt tell you is that, I wrote that scammer a thank-you email, for teaching me a lesson. hehe....and I hope he would find the joy in continuing in scamming people, if ie what he likes to do. Didnt think it worths me to yell at him or whatever. He doesnt deserve it, but he teaches me one thing - I should believe in my heart and rationale more.

In conclusion, I find these unsettling feelings have given me something, something more precious that I could imagine at this moment, but I believe, yes I BELIEVE, one day I will reap the harvest of being such a diligent student of the universe. :D

Personality Test

Magically, it's almost 90% accurate except the planning ahead thing. :D

You are a NEGOTIATOR / explorer

You are a big thinker. You easily take the large, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and to think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy theorizing.

You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you tend to intuitively understand what people want and need.

You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you sometimes make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend or colleague. And you like to work to improve the world.

You enjoy new ideas and novel experiences. You are flexible, affable and open to adventure. And you admire impulsive, spontaneous people, despite your tendency to plan ahead.

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. And with your skill as a negotiator, you adeptly bring peace to the chaotic world around you. You are a warm, insightful and often exciting companion.

WAS, and now tears can only cry in the heart

Was reading some msg

Was talking on the phone with a fren

Was drinking some white my fren left behind

Was thinking

Was writing

Was emailing

Was begging shadow to eat

Was trying to feed her medicine, 11 types

Was allowing shadow to be a brat.....she refused to eat, until I begged her

(how I begged her? I told her....hey hey dont worry. Mom will find a way to save u. Next year we will move to another place, where we could run around even more. And pls dont worry about money, mom will know what to do. Just EAT and BE STRONG. I will save U....ok? And..........:( she started eating..........it's so weird)

Coz I promised her I wouldnt cry, I wouldnt then. But truthfully, I just wanted to freaking cry....................

So, here's the song to....replace my tears.........fuck....how can he describe how I feel??!! haha

My schedule tomorrow, wake up at 6 (maybe just dont sleep), feed shadow for an hr......then head to my sis place, put down shadow. Get to the HK express, take a flight to BKK. Meeting. Then next day, back to HK at 11pm, go to sis place, pick up shadow. I have such a fear that she would feel I dump her, leave her alone again. She has become another person (I meant dog).....maybe chinese saying old brat is like a childish kid. She's exactly like that. Maybe she's finally protesting to me, hey mom - it's time I get some nice things, your full attention. All my life, I am patient, all my life I have been there, all my life I am loyal & dedicated to you.......now, it's your turn to FULLY taking care of me, heheheheheh, with shadow cheeky grin. 

But my frens, I am blue. I am....crying inside. :(((((((((((((

Just Some Thoughts About Companion

Just 5 mins ago, I kinda review abit of past month. Things happened. I had sweet dreams & nightmares at the same time in a whole month simultaneously. I appreciate 2 friends comments, which are somewhat very different yet useful at the same time for my state. haha, honestly, now whatever I feel or think is already beyond confusion. I either hope for the mutated universe or just plain god intervention.

C said - just deal with the issues and focuz at the stuff. Dont think what it means.

It's a very wise comment. It's something, yes, I should do!

J said - U cant control how U feel or what U think....just let your mind flow.

It's very true at this moment, esp, when I kinda quiet down, letting my dogs sleep peacefully while watching them. I couldnt help it but drift my thoughts to whoever & whatever.

So, I feel, I have been writing alotta bullshits about relationship, about all the shits, how I dont want a r/p,. bla bla blah. Now, I have a new finding. I cant deny I want a companion. I was always delighted to have my dogs, my frenz like Bruce Wayne, C, J....etc, maybe my msn buddies like Mr Funny or some networking frenz.....they can fulfil most parts of my needs. However, having a companion maybe it's different. Someone who no matter what - despite I am a screwup - will find his ways & means to accept. embrace, adore, and of coz LUV me. And of coz in turn I want to do likewise.

I used to have 3 requirement for a man, I couldnt remember what no.3 was. I just remember today.

1. Luv me

2. Understand me

3. Communicate with me

It's so basic, huh!?!?!? Yet, it's more difficult than it sounds. I feel I found it, but somewhat I lost it......nobody's fault, guess it's life. The reality of life. It's very saddening for me, and I couldnt forsee if I could ever get over it, as after so many years, I found someone that I feel match my criteria. I never care about look, wealth, etc.............

Today I want to add one more to the list as this person has given me that, despite it's short time....

4. Laughter

I hope everyone who reads here finds that companion. Maybe you already have, cherish it, as it's so hard in this world to find that person - indeed a yellow needle in haystack. :)

And I hope I would stop my tears, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, as it was so difficult for me to cry last 2 years, while I luv crying - it's so soothing. hahahaa.......I feel my crying hasnt stopped is coz I still feel I lost something so precious to me. It's very 1st time I cried for something I lost. It worths remembering. It worths imprinting inside.

Ummm, now I feel better and becoz of shadow, I have found a new meaning to strive on. Ar, no no, I gotta be fair, it's for shadow & lottie. ^^

Thanks whoever reads here. I luv U all. :D

Staying Positive in front of my dogs

Argh, I was abit negative and sulking the whole afternoon.
Oddly, she was super tired and kinda diming in a way.
So I started speaking very positive and told her I wouldnt cry.
And we would be moving to another apartment next year, where surely can allow dogs, so I could take her out anytime to walk....unlike now to hide her in a bag. And we would be doing stuff when she got well. And I asked her not to worry about the money, I would find a way. And guess what, she suddenly seemed less tired, her eyes were more bright, and she was willing to eat some food (as before, she was vomitting all ther meds & food) and drink water on her own. So I told her she's a gd gal when she licked the food......
Tomorrow, I am going to get some meat, try to see which types she likes, just need to use many ways to enhance her appetite.

OK, I wont cry now.....but stay positive for her. Ummm, all saddness should be gone by now. I had enough and surely she has had enough. So....I am gonna make it. I MUST MUST be able to make it. FOR HER.

My Dogs Dogs

Have been thinking of writing a short story about my dogs, my 1st dog Collie BoBo- he had an amazing love story which I shared with people when I was teen - everyone was mesmerized by my story; 2nd is Shadow, she has been with me for over 12 years, I dont thi k anyone has seen more tears, shared my best & worst moments that much....guess it's only her.....but now she may leave me soon; 3rd of coz it's Lottie - she's young, not much to say about her yet, except she drives me crazy to psychosis.

Yes just came back from Vet, had an ultrasound. Shadow's liver has abnormality and her heart may hv problem. I will take her back to check her liver enz, if the course of anti-biotic doesnt lower her enz level, most likely it's cancer then.

Yes I could have options.

1. 2 choices of biospy or sedated cutopen.......to see if she has cancer - all undergo pain.

2. if cfm to be cancer, chemo.

I will consult doctor further after the blood test, but I may let her live a while, vet said maybe weeks or months. Then I will let her go. I wish she cud spend another 5 years with me, but to be honest I dont want her to experience the in & out of hospital.....everytime she sees vet, she gets really scared, I could see from her posture & eyes. Like, why mom, why leave me alone here....?!?!?!

Thinking about that makes me remember I always prepared this day to happen since Day 1. I know one day we will part and I have told myself I wouldnt let her go through pain but to let her go if that day comes. But as of this moment, my sorrow is surmountable & unmeasurable.

Within days, I lost my heart and may lose her........life hasnt been treating me very nice. I dont know why. I have fought through every moment with no blaming to the god or universe or others......I am a super model for being strong in going through trials & sufferings. But this round, to me, it';s abit too much. Too much, beyond my ability to handle. Only tears, drops after drops.

All these 12 years, vet always said Shadow was so healthy & fit, hair shiny, unlike other same aged dogs. I always prided myself for raising her in a good way - giving her best food, & supplement since young. Luv her. Sleep with her. Dont put her at cage. Let her run. Let her be nuts with stuff, ate my most expensive panties always. As I believe she's like me, need freedom. Freedom makes one stay happy.......I am caged but she cant be. But now....................

How much tears can I shed? I want to stop but I cant. Tears just fall like rain.

I somewhat now am abit jealous of walking zombie in this world. But, I cant be one, I know it. I tried, but failed. Yet, the pain I have endure as this very second is just unbearable.

Hope her liver enz lowers down next Monday.........................

FIGHT THE BLACKHOLE

"original title - KILL ME KILL ME....NO BKK NO NO NO"

This time, I am gonna do a ladyboy, SCREW IT. hahahahaahahha

SHIT. I AM MISERABLE. 

My dog is sick.

I am LUV sick. or Luv dead.

I DONT WANT TO SEE THOSE FUCKING EUROPEAN ASSHOLES.

I am totally BROKE.

I AM TOTALLY SHIT.

I AM TOTALLY HELL.

I AM TOTALLY DEAD.

A friend, Mr Funny said below to me....kakakakakakaa, why am I always so lucky to meet FUNNY people. As said, we never met, he's the luckiest man alive as he has a beautiful wife and cutest son. I told him I would put it here, but he didnt say its OK, except - he said it was copied from superbs.com.....ie SUPER BS. com. MY GOD................thanks god for making him, so at least at such hysterical moment, I managed to giggle 2 giggles.

BUT can someone pls use a blade, yes a blade, the sharp fucking long blade...............blade, I was more thinking of the.......who the fuck is that black dude in the fucking vampire movie - BLADE..........no no, I want the japanese sword, YES, sword, very sharp double-edged sword..............JUST SLICE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I asked him a question which is a teenage gal Q which I havent asked for years as it's so childish, and believed he would offer very funny answer from his copying of super bs.com

The Q was: "what do you think of me? What kinda person I am?" (I believe he has Mr Funny's special bloody insights"

Mr Funny: 

You are lost.

You are a sadist.

You are negative.

You are sick.

LOL, should I kill myself, Mr Funny?

NOT finished.

you're at the lowest, darkest fucking valley of your life when everything just dont seem to work and there aint no light at the end of the tunnel

oh..sorry

there's no tunnel
 you're in a fucking blackhole, nothingness,void

YES YES, void....nothingness.....blackhole
 I luv blackhole
  
then you'll stay there. and you like inflicting pain to yourself. that gives u a sense of presence in this world…some kind of proof to yourself that you're really there

 LOL x 10 times

R U my worm in my head?
:
 and after all these years
 u had enough. quite enough to a point that
 you will give yourself a breakthru
 you will shine light within the blackhole
shine from within the blackhole and there will be no more blackness.
 

wow............blackole suck in everything woo............

becos you changed your mind, now you will only embrace light, upward trend of your life, things you decided to control and perfect

That means I will be v powerful

Legless Bird, Every reality comes from your mind

You make the change in your mind and the reality will change

HUH?!?! (he has to go to be with his perfect family......so now I am blablah alone)

SO matrix.......

And does he mean visualization? I had few visions lately but it seems they flung. FUCK. I hate it, so rarely I had good visions..................FUCK! DIU! Scheisse!

Frankly, I have been in blackhole. I Luv my blackhole actually.

It's so safe.........and I could suck everything in, hahahaha.

But his analogy........is....good. Call me gallible. I want it.

I want to shine thru the blackhole............................I have tormented myself long enough.

I let go and luved, but then.......it was sucked back into blackhole. Honestly, if it's so freaking easy, I wud hv done it long time ago. So it means........I have to press on.

FIGHT THE BLACK HOLE.

Back to ladyboy and BKK.

ARGH, I dont know to go to meet this french & belgian. I really dont want to see them. So tiring. They blablah all day, then will head to go go bar, then call the fake boobs ladies, we shoot tequila. I touched the fake boobs last time, did I share it here?? hehe............This time I need to order a ladyboy. I want some shock therapy. Maybe I would meet up the old Blue Blood Line frenchie who wants to take me to some castles.....lol............tequila, ie what I need!!! TEQUILA.

O, tequila. A mouse told me somewhere has this best fruity, home-made shots or tequila......he would bring me there.....guess..........now.......it's impossible, as I am too far from the earth, I am at blackhole, hello. hear me, I AM IN THE BLACKHOLE. (my frenz, I assure you, I am not drunk now, but will be in 2 hrs. hahahahahahahaha.) I have become untouchable again. I should re-watch the movie, Blade & untouchable. I got the dvd, hehe.........i never have much attachment to a place or promises ever.....but guess the first attempt to get outta blackhole was a trial.....I need to become self combusted......to ignite the flame? the eternal light fuel.


But now....I am dim again. It was brightened up abit.....after all these years. I smiled, I laughed, I giggled even alone...........man...............SUX! ^^

Sorry......I am natural high as I cleared some part of conscience by doing something......I think I will laylow, laylow on that most important thing of mine. :(

Sigh..............

Begging

Ai......it seems I have to beg shadow to eat her food. I hope she just wants attention, then I am less worried. I have to say plzzzzz, one more bite plzzzz....she would turn her face away from it, then I kept saying plzzzzz, and gave her a kiss and she would touch the food. pewh. I hate the force-feeding procedure, so messy.......

The whole morning, I have been feeding her med, food....observing her if she has fever or vomitting, then need to somehow get her eyes rolling. It's good that she follows me around with her eyes, so at least she's not as "dead meat" as yesterday. She drinks water on her own and she did go to poo alittle, it's a good sign. Then another hr later, I would attempt the 2nd feeding.....today each meal I am going to split into 3 portions.To be frank, the split meals she has been hving = the no of meals I havent been eating.....

Then, I have to take care of Lottie's feeling as well. Hug her, Stroke her, let her sit on my lap. But as nottie as she is, she's well behaved so far....except stole one pill and tried to gulp the food I was feeding shadow. Apart from that, she hasnt tried to fight for attention, it's like she understands that her big sis is ill.

Above all, I have to spend time talking to each of them. E.g. Shadow, you have to get well, plz spend another 5 years with me, if you eat now, maybe you can spend 8 more years with me. OK? Sorry lorh, I didnt hug you as much becoz of Lottie, I wont do that anymore, I will hug you everyday more & more. Then to Lottie, OK, you have been a good gal, mom luv u, just dont bother shadow so much, OK? I luv U 2 equal, okok?

haha, not easy, huh!!??

But I am hopeful. :)

Force-Feed

Well, to be a good mom, you can never forfeit, but U have to force-feed if your kids, in my case, my dog shadow doesnt want to eat. I got no syringe and the drug stores are all close. So I have to cut all chicken into very fine pc, mix with some babyfood to enhance the taste then add in some can food esp for liver, mix it.

Then grab some into my fingers and feed her.....and this is going to be all night process as I dont want her to eat too much at one go that may activate her projectile vomitting. Plus in between, I have to feed her 7 types of medicines..........

I salute mom. U who are a mom, I salute U. U who want to be a mom, I salute U more. hahaha.

My shadow has been with me for over 12 years, and she never needed to be force-fed. She's always good if I feed her medicine, she's still good, just that she has no appetite at all.

She rubbed against the cage at vet coz she stayed overnite for the drip
See! Her nose is hurt now. :((((((((((((((

:(

Good Info if You have a Dog

http://www.vetinfo.com/what-to-do-if-your-sick-dog-wont-eat.html

I feel.

Shooting pain without pain killers.
Universe without stars.
Sun without glare.
Cigarrette wuthout a light.
Heartache without the heart.
Suffocation without the hanging robe.
Thinking without the working brain.
Oozing tears without the eyes.


Frostbite.
Frozen.
Excruciating.

Shadow has been such a good dog. I feel guilty I havnt been a perfect mom to her. If you do say a prayer to God sometimes, pls help me pray that He wont take her away from me now. Plz. Thanks.

Love Actually

I am facing a horrible moment - Shadow is sick and I can't do anything about it and then realize alone again, naturally! Life hasn't been very nice to me despite I have been pressing on relentlessly! Sorry to rage this negativity again but this blog has always been about me and my feelings! Started little less than a year, from a depressive suicidal inclined person to back to the fun happy dawn to now a wounded soul. Faced with so much in such intensity past 2 years, I now pause - and feel I dunno what to do! Do I still have strength and braveness to march on. To be frank, I'm not sure anymore! I hv always been sure even I say I m not sure but this time, I'm not!

So afraid shadow is going to die in my arms! She has been with me thin n thick - she has never abandoned me once! Yet at this moment, I'm totally helpless to help her! I'm such a selfish bitch! I feel guilty!

I hope tomorrow will be better! My heart is sorrowful that I dun think I'll b here for few days! Hope I hv no courage to do silly things! Guess if I vent out here! I got none!! So I picked a movie while hugging shadow - my fav movie - love actually! Everytime I watch it I can go to sleep! N ESP luv the song.....hehe! Ai...life....luv.....

Haha! Have a good weekend!

My life SUX

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Things are going to fucking slow that all my projects seem to be on hold again. I have reached my limit of exercising coolness & patience - I am going to kill myself and drown my dogs in one minute. I hate the situation so bad..............FUCK. I know its going to good. Yet.................WHY the fuck is doing to me????!?!?!??!?!?

Every fucking asshole is delaying everything.............DELAY DELAY

so equal => I HAVE LEFT WITH NOTHING!!!!!!!!

No, I am not killing myself...........I hate it when I am so at the edge of the edge. :(

Everyday, I try to act my cool.........it's really getting impossible.

Can we have more than one "another half"?

From Paul Coelho's book - Brida - on his blog, there's this Q.

Unmm, frankly, I know I need more than many another ONE. I dont understand or accept the another half theory. I mean I do understand.....as "when I was growing up", I was like anyother gal dreaming to find my white knight or prince charming or a perfect man. hehe....no diff from others, so I guess before 16, I was still a normal human. However, I was asked once to write a list of criteria of what kind of man I wanted, I wrote 3 only. Yet, my frenz in the group wrote at least 13 to 30......lol......U know, ie very first time someone outshone me in giving reasons.

Now, after so so so many experiences, I really really dont even think my 3 criteria could be easily accomplished, and for surely my 3 requirement would be the most difficult to achieve than the other 30 ones. 

And before due to lack of specific requirement, I wrote a list of specifics to Bruce Wayne and asked him to check if I met another person. So recently, I re-read my list........my goodness, so idioitc, just like the other 30 criteria. And plus I realized they were too easily attained. hahahahaha............so I kinda felt Id rather keep my 3.

OK, back to topic! I always sidetrack.

The answer is U CAN NOT HAVE MORE THAN ONE ANOTHER HALF. Coz there's no half in this world. Yes, U can hv half brain governing emotion, or half brain doing the logic......but to be frank, I dont need another person to complete me, as I am not a HALF. My brain is one, no matter how a scientist or philospher want to dissect it, it's MY BRAIN - ONE.

However, if you are saying I need million ONE to complete me, then I can accept. As I believe also that we have more than one soulmate. I believe that ONE is split into infinity anyhow. Or, Soul. My brain has billion of cells. My body has billion of cells. The universe has billion of stars. The beach has billion of sands. The sea has billion of fish.

And somewhat, human kind is all inter-connected. As mentioned before, we all came from the same core, the difference is on the manifestation, or expression of genes, ONLY.

Shit, what am I talking about, huh!?!?!

kakakaka, I hv been more out of body nowadays.............seems my brain doesnt belong to me any longer. it's time I have to go networking again, just to talk to people, fake smile alittle bit, and say, Hey yo, how U doing? "yea yea, I am good", what hv U been upto? "ummm, same old stuff, U?" arghhhhh......................................................................

Period.

Dawn Says - Men not from Mars, and Women surely not from Venus

As I was replying my comment toYakitori, I realized it was so long, so might as well open another entry. He was saying that I was creating a philosophy. haha.....yes, ie what I did since young. Too much a bullshit yapper. Honestly, I think most writers dont even know what they r talking about. Anyhow, I wanted to say, esp I hate the freaking title - mars men, venus women. I didnt bother to read it of coz, as I was too proud of my own self, to make myself to read it. It's OK U read it. It may hv touched U. Argh, ie the pb.

They touch people so they become rich.

Yes, I am thiking of this formula, thou I suppose it may be hard for me, as I dont want to say something directing to the normal people - which is 90% of them, if not more. U see, only fewer than 10 of you are invited, and only 2 of you are reading my blog........I doubt how I could change the world. hehe

And the % that can influcne the world could very well be less than 0.00000001% (the filthy rich with secret society background). ummm.......... gut feel la.

I sometimes just hope people will look into themselves. The Q&A are all within us & around the nature. As you know I used to go to church, and ie the thing I got frustrated. People, I meant christians, they listen to the sermons, but they never------------read the bible or-----------they just amen whatever the pastors say. Hey, sometimes I do find the pastors are not politically or humanly correct, but just denomination-correct. Amen for what!?!?! Actually the Bible says it very clearly - I mean esp if U r a born-again christians - U have the annointed spirit to guide u. I believe this is a way God is trying to tell the followers that you shouldnt just follow-suit. Of coz, the world consist of 90% population that needs 120% guidance, yet.......somehow, we are given a brain, enough brain cells & juice to synapse.....so I hope people synapse more indeed.

LETS SYNAPSE!!!

hehe, I luv this gospel singer, hv been listening to his songs as well. I dont just know Karaoke songs......:)
Enjoy!

Yo! Bruce Wayne!

Argh, Bruce is my best friend as I already mentioned.

I believe he's the most diligent reader of my blog, and I believe very much that he gets why I keep putting up songs in my blog, I bet he never EVER sees me so song-struck. Ummm, yes I've known him for.....8 years (?). 

Yes, to make it plain. I NEED TO SING K. I WANT TO SING ALL THE SONGS I POSTED.

This is another of my fav, specially luv this singer - Tanya.

I dont believe in "Positive Attitude"

After 2 years of downs, sometimes though rarely Up - I have come to a conclusion. 

Having a positive attitude = BE prepared for the BETTER & Get ready for the WORST.

Unlike the law of attraction or the Book : The Sctrets, by visualizing the positive outcome, U will get what U think of. It seems it wastes too much of my brain cell energy by doing this. The fact is my mind doesnt work at fixating at one issue. And I dont believe in fate, did argue or discuss with some frenz before. I believe in creating your own destiny. Though, somehow, yes fate does affect the course or cause of action/delivery. However, no one ever says FATE offers you ONE path only. I always think if I have to believe in the fact that fate governs me, then Id rather, RIGHT NOW, kill myself - what's the fun & challenge in living my life still, if fate already paves my path. It's upto discussion, but yes this is what I believe.

And I dont buy by saying U have +ve attitude, U get good things. No, I do believe in sending out positive thoughts to the universe, maybe the blackhole somehow, so at least my conscience is clear. I am not saying I wont get what I want if I dont think or think that way. I now start to think it's not how you think, but how you percieve & behave. 

I have been talking to a master - he read my lifeline. But to me, he's not a fortune teller, rather he's like a behavioural scientist to me, as I dont need to explain what I think, he knows how I think.....so it's easy just to ask him to analyse certain moment or situation to him, as I dont need to spend hours to explain my action. He KNOWS, ie how I would approach the situation. Of coz he thinks I am crazy intelligent...actually he used advanced intelligence to describe me. KAKAKAKA, sorry, I brag about me again. Yet, I know what he's talking about, sometimes my mindset, the way I percieve a situation is different from other people, though I may act upon it in similar way..........aiii, I dont know.

I find I have dumbed down recently. I find that summer time I am always more stupid, I dunno why. Is it coz of the excessive metabolic rate? I shud say Spring time to Summer time........my mind activity is super slow. I am not as funny. I am not as versatile. I guess, really, high temp doesnt suit me at all. I belong to leather jacket zone. Maybe I am just a caveman, I need to smell animal skin to strengthen my senses!!

See, I am already sleepy now. YAWNING nonstop.....Summer time SUX for me..........ARGH!!

It's not Cheap Luv.

Never listen to so many songs......seems most songs kinda make me feel something
happy or not..........still kinda intriguing
I feel I have been discovered...............discover another side of me.
That makes me very happy.............NOW, it's time I have to go K, even go alone
which I did it few times, so no one is going to fight the mic with me, hehe

Used to sing this song alot, but only today I get this song. :D



早已忘了想你的滋味是什麼
因為每分每秒都被你佔據在心中
你的一舉一動牽扯在我生活的隙縫
誰能告訴我離開你的我會有多自由

也曾想過躲進別人溫暖的懷中
可是這麼一來就一點意義也沒有
我的高尚情操一直不斷提醒著我
離開你的我不論過多久還是會寂寞

別對我小心翼翼
別讓我看輕你
跟著我勇敢的走下去
別勸我回心轉意
這不是廉價的愛情
看著我對我說真愛我

hahaha

I have been trying to use my iphone voice recorder to sing K....:P
I did dub one song so far
Maybe I will post them here one day..................:P

It actually wastes alotta time to do it..........
time killing!!

For now, I want to share this song with you, even if you are with someone or looking for someone, it's a luvly song. Guess, U r my someone then. Luv.



Goodnight, my someone,
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone,
Sleep tight, my love,
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.
Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.
Goodnight,
Goodnight.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Was Watching Ally Mcbeal and this song came on....really luv it, despite I never had a white Xmas before. But this song is kinda lonely & yet so hopeful too.


(Luv Robert Downey J voice......luv luv luv)

Then made me think of a neurosis of mine.

Yes I am a neurotic person, if not psychotic. Someone called me sociopath, thou I dont think he knows what this word really means - yet in the light of me liking reading up serial killers, yes, it could be a word to describe me. I was listening to this song, I remember how I handled my tears. I used to be a super gigantic crying baby, but last 2 years have made me become.......no tear adult (almost). Recently, heart kinda being softened up, I started crying again.

And for e.g. (I am seriously nuts) before I went to get my result, I was at my ex car crying. We just had a wonderful national park trip in Melb, he asked why the ferk U were crying. I said, U wouldnt understand, coz I believed by shedding ALL my tears, I wouldnt be able to cry if the result was bad. OK, the result was FINE. hehe.......but this is how I managed my disappointment. 

Or with my ex-es, ie how I did too, I cried & cried......when we broke up, I couldnt even squeeze a tear. So I gotta say, why usually my ex-es kept good relationship with me, as I didnt leave them a horrible breakup memory - so somehow they would think I was untouchable. It became a turn-on, yet they didnt know the little secret of how I shed it all. hehe 

O yes, also, when I was applying my 1st job in S'pore hospital, I cried alot too, as I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q the interviewer asked. So I came out, I cried & cried. My ex asked, why the heck you were crying, did she yell at u? I said, No, I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q. But next day, I got the offer.........

LOL..........................in retrospect, maybe my tears would be my luck.

I also remember one time I was flying back to Melb, I was watching Time Cop. I saw how lonely he must be - as he was the only person remembering the present (due to time shift), and his family all was unaware and went about doing their "normal routine" at the time-plane they thought they were in. I felt so identifying to his loneliness and so I started SOBBING on the plane till landed.....lol...crazy huh!?!? But the detoxification of the heavy heart & sad soul was AMAZING. And u know what, few months later I had my 1st bf....

hehe, now I think.....why last 2 years were so shitty coz I wasnt able to have tears. Tears could very well be my lucky charm......so my frenz, if I want to cry, let me cry. 

Ummm, thinking of that, my roomate Ellie - she's the same. She likes to cry too. And many nites, I could hear her sobbing - like a monster, I did think if she would turn into one of those monsters of something coz she sounded horrible....hehe, but we always let each other cry.

And I guess, why pple like sharing saddness or secrets with me, coz I never ask them not to cry. I always just let them.

Nude Body Paint

Ar.....yes, someone asked me to be a "nude model".........for a fren anyways - the body painting kind.
Well. Honestly, I am not thrilled with displaying my flappy tummy to the public, but it was for a charity cause, I started thinking about it....
Then they told me it might be on SCMP with face.............SHIT.........nah nah nah...........
I dont want my 5 min fame due to few reasons:
1. Sex Scandals
2. Nudity pics
3. Sex Tapes

If U may be interested, I can refer you. :)

Bygones!

Nomad

I think I used this in another entry before. But today I am not talking about moving.,  I want to talk about something else.

I suspect a nomad has a heart of detachment,  alienation, positive attitude, daring, being able to adapt.....................................etc. 

Suppose, you give them a shelter, tell them, hey man, U dont have to move anymore. What would happen to them? I think they would feel insecure, to attach to 4 walls. OK, then after few decades, U tell them, hey, sorry, there's no more walls for you, plz start roaming around and be a nomad again. Ummmm...........

Do you think the nomad would be happy? It's not like they forget the skills. I think underneath no matter how "detached", "alienated" a person is, at the end, they want attachment........normal nomad would be attached to the possession. Once sheltered nomad....I suspect......he got too much possession he might not be sure how to pick again which is best for him to roam around......he has become attached to things he may not understand.

I now feel he must be lost. A nomad ie lost must be lost. The feeling of void, the feeling of unskilled, the feeling of emptiness or missing abundance is........killing.

Words that I Like

Momentum
Precipitation

Sublime
Consolidation
Agape

Also,
Secret Society
Paranormal
Vintage

The first few words I used alot in my head when I was in Melbourne. I did well in chemistry so I guess ie why I like precipitation & sublime. Sublime is such a beautiful word, esp U see the compound skip the middle state to become guess, it was awesome. I cudnt exactly recall which though....is it iodine or iodine oxide. Sublime actually gives me a feeling of heaven..........:)

Merits & Strength

Actually I cant tell the difference. To me, I am good at everything. To me I am bad at anything. I dont even know........when someone asks me how good you are, and what are your strength. Do people still ask that? It's so weird. I really want to sum up by saying - Oh yo, man! I am perfection.......ummm....I meant close to anyways.

I find these Qs so boring, U know.....close to cliche. I like presenting myself but not like this way - I luv answering Qs, but seems it seems it's too confined.

can I tell them if flamoyant count as one!!! hahahaha or I am not exactly from plant earth as one?

Shit, I really cant communicate with normal earthy people................anyhows.

Have a good night, good week everyone. I am looking at spending most time with my dog - Lottie. I need to shower her now, then observe her at my new place, make ways for her to move around. But now,  she's SLEEPING again on my clothes.....man, she's too lovey dovey lahhhhhhh......................

"sweet Smile"

It's time to go Karaoke

My goodness, Bruce Wayne incorporated this song in his latest movie and I just couldnt get this song outta my mind.......however nowadays Neway doesnt seem to have this song, which I fucking used to luv to sing, amongst others which are oldies, yet would cause your heart bubbling and legs wiggling.......:D



I could remember the words and I have to say, my singing version is better, despite she's BETTER a singer than me, but seems my version is more.....how to say FUN.....heheheeh

Hopeless Romantic

Well, I once called Edward - the vampire in Twilight Saga.....a hopeless romantic as a guy asked me what the heck was this movie about, guess that really sums up the meaning of the whole movie.

U know, I wud never call myself romantic as it feels ICK, YUCK - but truth be told, I am super romantic. Actually, it's too much. But I dont release this magnetism to everyone. Yet, I think I should really shrink this side of me......I am such an extreme person, I never know how to control the intensity...shit, I am idiot....but ar well, learning fast, early is gd, but to me it's learning abit late I guess. But I dont regret one second of it....it's ME ME ME. ME ME ME! :P Sorry..............too egoistic again. Sigh, ie me, what can I do???????

I really wish I could find back my University journals. I am not sure if you know or not, but I write without thinking. My hands are connected to my cerebral nerve endings, they just synapse synapse.....like lightning. I dont type fast, ie why I always seem to type more making sense than I talk, as my synpasing is faster than typing, so I always have next chunk of words or sentences ready at my handtips.

At the moment, my mind is all scattered, thinking about anything & everything.........I realize when this occurs, I have more typing error. yes I could type in the dark without looking at the keyboard too....:P

Lost Love

When I was very young, I saw pple crying coz they broke up with their bfs or something
And then I had my share of experience
I realize the sad thing isnt the breakup
but the feeling of void and saddness remembering the happy moments
THE HAPPY MOMENTS

Of coz U cud cry coz the guyz are assholes, which I had my shares too
like how stupid I allowed myself to be with him or to trust him

Yet, there's one kind ie the worst
is you actually still luv him and there's no flaw in whatever aspects you see
I am a flaw finder so I detect flaws very easily
Also, esp you so dont hate or in any milli-meter dislike the guy
You still find everything he does adorable, cute, sweet, highly regarded.............

Guess, apply to guyz too
maybe you wouldnt use tears as an outlet
maybe go to a niteclub or get drunk with your frens?! hehe

O well......:)

Rotten

This is how I feel today. Rotten. SO Rotten.
My next dog, I will call her Rotten. hahahahaa............

Tick

•  Bought some household thing. TICK
•  Bought some wine. TICK
•  Moved some furniture. TICK
•  Got the Dog Gate. TICK
•  2 Friends already visited me. TICK. More to come, NOT TICK.
•  Starting to put my files to my cabinet. TICK
•  Sent out CV. TICK
•  Arranged 2 interviews. TICK
•  Not yet taken my dogs back. TICK
•  Not yet got the wardrobe & bookshelf. TICK
•  Await for my housewarming gifts - from C & J. TICK (HEHEHEHEHEHEH)
•  Too many things NOT yet DONE. TICK

Whoever reads this has all the rights to come to my place....TICK TICK TICK

Butterfly feeling

Why they use butterfly feeling? I mean if you are nervous and feel funny in the stomach, it should be called bird feeling or bee feeling - U see, when butterflies flip their wings, actually it's not that "flippy" or "flappy".

Exactly now ie how I feel inside from my heart to stomch. It's so not butterfly but like an eagle flipping its wings grumbling insdie. Or maybe they use butterfly in the vocab coz it's supposed to be short-lived?

Anyways, I just want to scream..............ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

March Update & Scattered Thoughts

I am not sure - if it's this new place, I slept earlier than usual for past 1 week. Or maybe my subconscience is following someone's schedule. I have been up nowadays at 7 or 8am, slept before 1am..........it's good sign!!!

So MORNING BUDDIES & MORNING HONG KONG!

Abit drizzling outside.

Seriously this morning, I am thinking of my friend in Japan. He was very emotional when he called me few weeks ago, of coz it's about the nuclear radiation, etc; yet I hvnt heard from him for 2 weeks. I hope he is ok. I hope he could somehow get a ticket so he cud take a break in HK. 

OK, March gone by without any compassion on my poor soul, literally poor. WorkWise, SHIT - everything slow slow slow, delayed delayed delayed, stopped stopped stopped!!! DogWise - suck but now good, as they are not with me,........hahahahahahaha, like a mom letting her relatives taking care of her kids, I am FREE. I dont get woken up by them for days, yet my dark circles are worse - shit, I am supposed to be tortured, destined to have a tortured soul. LuvWise - Good. Nice. Happy.

You ever think why the heck that old time US series like Ally Mcbeal, Friends, X Files, etc - they just rock your world; the ones nowadays just dont have much substance. Even e.g. Fringe, if they didnt talk about alternate universe, I wouldnt want to watch it. I luv alternate universe, I knew it existed since Primary 3.(I HATE THAT ACTRESS, She's ugly and CANT ACT and most of ALL, NO CHARISMA - CANNOT BE CANNOT BE Sci-Fi chick, plzzzzzz)

Realized 2 of my frenz are preg, I am so excited. I am going to be their godmom even they ask or not. I have been collecting alotta godkids, but god-dog-son is exclusively ONE - CURLY.............Muah.

And this month, I am seriously starting to ponder abit how to start my book, I hope by end Apr, I would make up my decision on which topics. And I beg of you, my subconsious world, give me another soul rocking dream so I would kick my ass N start doing it. I think I will do the sci-fi one, never like easy outlet anyways!

Last but not the least-ly thought, I met a very adorable german dude. He is not afraid to express his feeling, while I believe it's first time ever I could just say what I think without caring the other person's feeling as much. Though, I still think I should shut up more......too many of you have warned me to shut up more and dont speak my mind so nakedly at times. Well, guess I should try..........nah.......yea.........nah........yea......

YAWN by DAWN

POLL

I want to know what book content I should write!

1. My sci-fi based dreams - expanding into various Dawnism theories. The problem is that it's so complicated in terms of structuring the story. But I have to say I luv this the most too, as I got dreams since 14, 15yo - they are wicked, water monsters, end of time, building dissolving like butter with one touch, matrix-like using human as energy source, plus lately glasswinged angel, underwater training......................wowowowowowowow........they r just way too exciting. Of coz, I would use some of Bruce Wayne's dreams too, as his are super WICKED as well - his plots are more detailed scripted. ummm....................

2. Just simply about me. About how I think......what makes an ordinary becomes so extra-ordinary. hehe. Alittle bit of psychoanalysis based on Dawnism too. However, I could easily just extract some entries here N paste together as a book. Hence good thing is - it's FAST.

Poll - (1) is abit epic, takes long time but could easily turn into another Lord of The Rings; (2) I could change the world with Dawnism theories and its fast

Morning Princess

"shy", dont ick me! 

Yes, ie what I have been greeted each day. Smitten?! Yes. Never check my morning greetings as much. You know what! Never like to be called princess. From my new Maus, yes, it's fine.....it's good....it's normal and so not cliche. My frenz advised me to take it slow. Slow? What's slow? Observe more? Observe what? I do things my own ways. Ok, well, he may hurt me or leave me one day, but so....?!?! It's not going to kill me. I just go back to my previous lifestyle. No msg every morning only.

After so many years, I realize it's not about the pace. I tried slow, fast pace before. Usually men pace faster. I pace slower. The ultimate results are the same - if it ends, it ends. Doesnt matter what speed you are on, except the hurt level, I guess ie what people talk about. U know what! I dont feel hurt from my ex-es, except the humiliation they put me in, the non-uniqueness they faked it on me, their deliberate showing me the ugly sides of human kinds...........that hurts, not coz they were my bf, but the failure in showing me some good sides of humans and simple fact of being a genuine human - why is it so hard to be genuine, to be oneself, to be honest......Shit it, just be one!

I am not looking for a forever ever epic luv story. I am not snow white and he or any man is  neither prince charming. I just want to be able to imagine to be seated in a little cottage on an island sipping coffee. This is my vision since maybe 18. Actually, oddly, he somehow could fit into this vision.......haha, yes it's too fast in this picture, but it's nice, so WHY NOT!?!?!

I would care for this new Maus even we are together or not together in the future, as how hard it is to find someone to accept me as who I am, while being able to feel my mood, my thinking before I would share......he will be my friend forever, even not luver forever. This is the simple confession and truth. :)

A Peaceful Sunday....

Finally.

I couldnt get the ticket to Ruby Seven, guess it's a blessing in disguise. Not like I so freaking want some booze or food...........though it would be nice sitting in a corportae box just drinking away.

So I slept.....alot. Without my dogs. Coz I chucked them to my dad's. I realize in my life I luv them so much hence they stress me out the most. I luv my new place as it has some kind of special soul in it, despite upstairs is a church thing coz I heard them playing christian songs - I could remember the drum N guitar melody as I used to be part of such groups....guess they are filipino though.

And there was a topic I wanted to talk about, loneliness vs boredom. But it seems I hvnt got the words in my head yet so, guess I am gonna do it when they come to my head. 

Actually today I am just missing my new bf very much. haha........