Dawn Says - Men not from Mars, and Women surely not from Venus

As I was replying my comment toYakitori, I realized it was so long, so might as well open another entry. He was saying that I was creating a philosophy. haha.....yes, ie what I did since young. Too much a bullshit yapper. Honestly, I think most writers dont even know what they r talking about. Anyhow, I wanted to say, esp I hate the freaking title - mars men, venus women. I didnt bother to read it of coz, as I was too proud of my own self, to make myself to read it. It's OK U read it. It may hv touched U. Argh, ie the pb.

They touch people so they become rich.

Yes, I am thiking of this formula, thou I suppose it may be hard for me, as I dont want to say something directing to the normal people - which is 90% of them, if not more. U see, only fewer than 10 of you are invited, and only 2 of you are reading my blog........I doubt how I could change the world. hehe

And the % that can influcne the world could very well be less than 0.00000001% (the filthy rich with secret society background). ummm.......... gut feel la.

I sometimes just hope people will look into themselves. The Q&A are all within us & around the nature. As you know I used to go to church, and ie the thing I got frustrated. People, I meant christians, they listen to the sermons, but they never------------read the bible or-----------they just amen whatever the pastors say. Hey, sometimes I do find the pastors are not politically or humanly correct, but just denomination-correct. Amen for what!?!?! Actually the Bible says it very clearly - I mean esp if U r a born-again christians - U have the annointed spirit to guide u. I believe this is a way God is trying to tell the followers that you shouldnt just follow-suit. Of coz, the world consist of 90% population that needs 120% guidance, yet.......somehow, we are given a brain, enough brain cells & juice to synapse.....so I hope people synapse more indeed.

LETS SYNAPSE!!!

hehe, I luv this gospel singer, hv been listening to his songs as well. I dont just know Karaoke songs......:)
Enjoy!

Yo! Bruce Wayne!

Argh, Bruce is my best friend as I already mentioned.

I believe he's the most diligent reader of my blog, and I believe very much that he gets why I keep putting up songs in my blog, I bet he never EVER sees me so song-struck. Ummm, yes I've known him for.....8 years (?). 

Yes, to make it plain. I NEED TO SING K. I WANT TO SING ALL THE SONGS I POSTED.

This is another of my fav, specially luv this singer - Tanya.

I dont believe in "Positive Attitude"

After 2 years of downs, sometimes though rarely Up - I have come to a conclusion. 

Having a positive attitude = BE prepared for the BETTER & Get ready for the WORST.

Unlike the law of attraction or the Book : The Sctrets, by visualizing the positive outcome, U will get what U think of. It seems it wastes too much of my brain cell energy by doing this. The fact is my mind doesnt work at fixating at one issue. And I dont believe in fate, did argue or discuss with some frenz before. I believe in creating your own destiny. Though, somehow, yes fate does affect the course or cause of action/delivery. However, no one ever says FATE offers you ONE path only. I always think if I have to believe in the fact that fate governs me, then Id rather, RIGHT NOW, kill myself - what's the fun & challenge in living my life still, if fate already paves my path. It's upto discussion, but yes this is what I believe.

And I dont buy by saying U have +ve attitude, U get good things. No, I do believe in sending out positive thoughts to the universe, maybe the blackhole somehow, so at least my conscience is clear. I am not saying I wont get what I want if I dont think or think that way. I now start to think it's not how you think, but how you percieve & behave. 

I have been talking to a master - he read my lifeline. But to me, he's not a fortune teller, rather he's like a behavioural scientist to me, as I dont need to explain what I think, he knows how I think.....so it's easy just to ask him to analyse certain moment or situation to him, as I dont need to spend hours to explain my action. He KNOWS, ie how I would approach the situation. Of coz he thinks I am crazy intelligent...actually he used advanced intelligence to describe me. KAKAKAKA, sorry, I brag about me again. Yet, I know what he's talking about, sometimes my mindset, the way I percieve a situation is different from other people, though I may act upon it in similar way..........aiii, I dont know.

I find I have dumbed down recently. I find that summer time I am always more stupid, I dunno why. Is it coz of the excessive metabolic rate? I shud say Spring time to Summer time........my mind activity is super slow. I am not as funny. I am not as versatile. I guess, really, high temp doesnt suit me at all. I belong to leather jacket zone. Maybe I am just a caveman, I need to smell animal skin to strengthen my senses!!

See, I am already sleepy now. YAWNING nonstop.....Summer time SUX for me..........ARGH!!

It's not Cheap Luv.

Never listen to so many songs......seems most songs kinda make me feel something
happy or not..........still kinda intriguing
I feel I have been discovered...............discover another side of me.
That makes me very happy.............NOW, it's time I have to go K, even go alone
which I did it few times, so no one is going to fight the mic with me, hehe

Used to sing this song alot, but only today I get this song. :D



早已忘了想你的滋味是什麼
因為每分每秒都被你佔據在心中
你的一舉一動牽扯在我生活的隙縫
誰能告訴我離開你的我會有多自由

也曾想過躲進別人溫暖的懷中
可是這麼一來就一點意義也沒有
我的高尚情操一直不斷提醒著我
離開你的我不論過多久還是會寂寞

別對我小心翼翼
別讓我看輕你
跟著我勇敢的走下去
別勸我回心轉意
這不是廉價的愛情
看著我對我說真愛我

hahaha

I have been trying to use my iphone voice recorder to sing K....:P
I did dub one song so far
Maybe I will post them here one day..................:P

It actually wastes alotta time to do it..........
time killing!!

For now, I want to share this song with you, even if you are with someone or looking for someone, it's a luvly song. Guess, U r my someone then. Luv.



Goodnight, my someone,
Goodnight, my love,
Sleep tight, my someone,
Sleep tight, my love,
Our star is shining it's brightest light
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.
Sweet dreams be yours, dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted they say
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.
Sweet dreams be yours dear,
If dreams there be
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish they may and I wish they might
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.
Goodnight,
Goodnight.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Was Watching Ally Mcbeal and this song came on....really luv it, despite I never had a white Xmas before. But this song is kinda lonely & yet so hopeful too.


(Luv Robert Downey J voice......luv luv luv)

Then made me think of a neurosis of mine.

Yes I am a neurotic person, if not psychotic. Someone called me sociopath, thou I dont think he knows what this word really means - yet in the light of me liking reading up serial killers, yes, it could be a word to describe me. I was listening to this song, I remember how I handled my tears. I used to be a super gigantic crying baby, but last 2 years have made me become.......no tear adult (almost). Recently, heart kinda being softened up, I started crying again.

And for e.g. (I am seriously nuts) before I went to get my result, I was at my ex car crying. We just had a wonderful national park trip in Melb, he asked why the ferk U were crying. I said, U wouldnt understand, coz I believed by shedding ALL my tears, I wouldnt be able to cry if the result was bad. OK, the result was FINE. hehe.......but this is how I managed my disappointment. 

Or with my ex-es, ie how I did too, I cried & cried......when we broke up, I couldnt even squeeze a tear. So I gotta say, why usually my ex-es kept good relationship with me, as I didnt leave them a horrible breakup memory - so somehow they would think I was untouchable. It became a turn-on, yet they didnt know the little secret of how I shed it all. hehe 

O yes, also, when I was applying my 1st job in S'pore hospital, I cried alot too, as I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q the interviewer asked. So I came out, I cried & cried. My ex asked, why the heck you were crying, did she yell at u? I said, No, I didnt know how to answer ONE single Q. But next day, I got the offer.........

LOL..........................in retrospect, maybe my tears would be my luck.

I also remember one time I was flying back to Melb, I was watching Time Cop. I saw how lonely he must be - as he was the only person remembering the present (due to time shift), and his family all was unaware and went about doing their "normal routine" at the time-plane they thought they were in. I felt so identifying to his loneliness and so I started SOBBING on the plane till landed.....lol...crazy huh!?!? But the detoxification of the heavy heart & sad soul was AMAZING. And u know what, few months later I had my 1st bf....

hehe, now I think.....why last 2 years were so shitty coz I wasnt able to have tears. Tears could very well be my lucky charm......so my frenz, if I want to cry, let me cry. 

Ummm, thinking of that, my roomate Ellie - she's the same. She likes to cry too. And many nites, I could hear her sobbing - like a monster, I did think if she would turn into one of those monsters of something coz she sounded horrible....hehe, but we always let each other cry.

And I guess, why pple like sharing saddness or secrets with me, coz I never ask them not to cry. I always just let them.

Nude Body Paint

Ar.....yes, someone asked me to be a "nude model".........for a fren anyways - the body painting kind.
Well. Honestly, I am not thrilled with displaying my flappy tummy to the public, but it was for a charity cause, I started thinking about it....
Then they told me it might be on SCMP with face.............SHIT.........nah nah nah...........
I dont want my 5 min fame due to few reasons:
1. Sex Scandals
2. Nudity pics
3. Sex Tapes

If U may be interested, I can refer you. :)

Bygones!

Nomad

I think I used this in another entry before. But today I am not talking about moving.,  I want to talk about something else.

I suspect a nomad has a heart of detachment,  alienation, positive attitude, daring, being able to adapt.....................................etc. 

Suppose, you give them a shelter, tell them, hey man, U dont have to move anymore. What would happen to them? I think they would feel insecure, to attach to 4 walls. OK, then after few decades, U tell them, hey, sorry, there's no more walls for you, plz start roaming around and be a nomad again. Ummmm...........

Do you think the nomad would be happy? It's not like they forget the skills. I think underneath no matter how "detached", "alienated" a person is, at the end, they want attachment........normal nomad would be attached to the possession. Once sheltered nomad....I suspect......he got too much possession he might not be sure how to pick again which is best for him to roam around......he has become attached to things he may not understand.

I now feel he must be lost. A nomad ie lost must be lost. The feeling of void, the feeling of unskilled, the feeling of emptiness or missing abundance is........killing.

Words that I Like

Momentum
Precipitation

Sublime
Consolidation
Agape

Also,
Secret Society
Paranormal
Vintage

The first few words I used alot in my head when I was in Melbourne. I did well in chemistry so I guess ie why I like precipitation & sublime. Sublime is such a beautiful word, esp U see the compound skip the middle state to become guess, it was awesome. I cudnt exactly recall which though....is it iodine or iodine oxide. Sublime actually gives me a feeling of heaven..........:)

Merits & Strength

Actually I cant tell the difference. To me, I am good at everything. To me I am bad at anything. I dont even know........when someone asks me how good you are, and what are your strength. Do people still ask that? It's so weird. I really want to sum up by saying - Oh yo, man! I am perfection.......ummm....I meant close to anyways.

I find these Qs so boring, U know.....close to cliche. I like presenting myself but not like this way - I luv answering Qs, but seems it seems it's too confined.

can I tell them if flamoyant count as one!!! hahahaha or I am not exactly from plant earth as one?

Shit, I really cant communicate with normal earthy people................anyhows.

Have a good night, good week everyone. I am looking at spending most time with my dog - Lottie. I need to shower her now, then observe her at my new place, make ways for her to move around. But now,  she's SLEEPING again on my clothes.....man, she's too lovey dovey lahhhhhhh......................

"sweet Smile"

It's time to go Karaoke

My goodness, Bruce Wayne incorporated this song in his latest movie and I just couldnt get this song outta my mind.......however nowadays Neway doesnt seem to have this song, which I fucking used to luv to sing, amongst others which are oldies, yet would cause your heart bubbling and legs wiggling.......:D



I could remember the words and I have to say, my singing version is better, despite she's BETTER a singer than me, but seems my version is more.....how to say FUN.....heheheeh

Hopeless Romantic

Well, I once called Edward - the vampire in Twilight Saga.....a hopeless romantic as a guy asked me what the heck was this movie about, guess that really sums up the meaning of the whole movie.

U know, I wud never call myself romantic as it feels ICK, YUCK - but truth be told, I am super romantic. Actually, it's too much. But I dont release this magnetism to everyone. Yet, I think I should really shrink this side of me......I am such an extreme person, I never know how to control the intensity...shit, I am idiot....but ar well, learning fast, early is gd, but to me it's learning abit late I guess. But I dont regret one second of it....it's ME ME ME. ME ME ME! :P Sorry..............too egoistic again. Sigh, ie me, what can I do???????

I really wish I could find back my University journals. I am not sure if you know or not, but I write without thinking. My hands are connected to my cerebral nerve endings, they just synapse synapse.....like lightning. I dont type fast, ie why I always seem to type more making sense than I talk, as my synpasing is faster than typing, so I always have next chunk of words or sentences ready at my handtips.

At the moment, my mind is all scattered, thinking about anything & everything.........I realize when this occurs, I have more typing error. yes I could type in the dark without looking at the keyboard too....:P

Lost Love

When I was very young, I saw pple crying coz they broke up with their bfs or something
And then I had my share of experience
I realize the sad thing isnt the breakup
but the feeling of void and saddness remembering the happy moments
THE HAPPY MOMENTS

Of coz U cud cry coz the guyz are assholes, which I had my shares too
like how stupid I allowed myself to be with him or to trust him

Yet, there's one kind ie the worst
is you actually still luv him and there's no flaw in whatever aspects you see
I am a flaw finder so I detect flaws very easily
Also, esp you so dont hate or in any milli-meter dislike the guy
You still find everything he does adorable, cute, sweet, highly regarded.............

Guess, apply to guyz too
maybe you wouldnt use tears as an outlet
maybe go to a niteclub or get drunk with your frens?! hehe

O well......:)

Rotten

This is how I feel today. Rotten. SO Rotten.
My next dog, I will call her Rotten. hahahahaa............

Tick

•  Bought some household thing. TICK
•  Bought some wine. TICK
•  Moved some furniture. TICK
•  Got the Dog Gate. TICK
•  2 Friends already visited me. TICK. More to come, NOT TICK.
•  Starting to put my files to my cabinet. TICK
•  Sent out CV. TICK
•  Arranged 2 interviews. TICK
•  Not yet taken my dogs back. TICK
•  Not yet got the wardrobe & bookshelf. TICK
•  Await for my housewarming gifts - from C & J. TICK (HEHEHEHEHEHEH)
•  Too many things NOT yet DONE. TICK

Whoever reads this has all the rights to come to my place....TICK TICK TICK

Butterfly feeling

Why they use butterfly feeling? I mean if you are nervous and feel funny in the stomach, it should be called bird feeling or bee feeling - U see, when butterflies flip their wings, actually it's not that "flippy" or "flappy".

Exactly now ie how I feel inside from my heart to stomch. It's so not butterfly but like an eagle flipping its wings grumbling insdie. Or maybe they use butterfly in the vocab coz it's supposed to be short-lived?

Anyways, I just want to scream..............ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

March Update & Scattered Thoughts

I am not sure - if it's this new place, I slept earlier than usual for past 1 week. Or maybe my subconscience is following someone's schedule. I have been up nowadays at 7 or 8am, slept before 1am..........it's good sign!!!

So MORNING BUDDIES & MORNING HONG KONG!

Abit drizzling outside.

Seriously this morning, I am thinking of my friend in Japan. He was very emotional when he called me few weeks ago, of coz it's about the nuclear radiation, etc; yet I hvnt heard from him for 2 weeks. I hope he is ok. I hope he could somehow get a ticket so he cud take a break in HK. 

OK, March gone by without any compassion on my poor soul, literally poor. WorkWise, SHIT - everything slow slow slow, delayed delayed delayed, stopped stopped stopped!!! DogWise - suck but now good, as they are not with me,........hahahahahahaha, like a mom letting her relatives taking care of her kids, I am FREE. I dont get woken up by them for days, yet my dark circles are worse - shit, I am supposed to be tortured, destined to have a tortured soul. LuvWise - Good. Nice. Happy.

You ever think why the heck that old time US series like Ally Mcbeal, Friends, X Files, etc - they just rock your world; the ones nowadays just dont have much substance. Even e.g. Fringe, if they didnt talk about alternate universe, I wouldnt want to watch it. I luv alternate universe, I knew it existed since Primary 3.(I HATE THAT ACTRESS, She's ugly and CANT ACT and most of ALL, NO CHARISMA - CANNOT BE CANNOT BE Sci-Fi chick, plzzzzzz)

Realized 2 of my frenz are preg, I am so excited. I am going to be their godmom even they ask or not. I have been collecting alotta godkids, but god-dog-son is exclusively ONE - CURLY.............Muah.

And this month, I am seriously starting to ponder abit how to start my book, I hope by end Apr, I would make up my decision on which topics. And I beg of you, my subconsious world, give me another soul rocking dream so I would kick my ass N start doing it. I think I will do the sci-fi one, never like easy outlet anyways!

Last but not the least-ly thought, I met a very adorable german dude. He is not afraid to express his feeling, while I believe it's first time ever I could just say what I think without caring the other person's feeling as much. Though, I still think I should shut up more......too many of you have warned me to shut up more and dont speak my mind so nakedly at times. Well, guess I should try..........nah.......yea.........nah........yea......

YAWN by DAWN

POLL

I want to know what book content I should write!

1. My sci-fi based dreams - expanding into various Dawnism theories. The problem is that it's so complicated in terms of structuring the story. But I have to say I luv this the most too, as I got dreams since 14, 15yo - they are wicked, water monsters, end of time, building dissolving like butter with one touch, matrix-like using human as energy source, plus lately glasswinged angel, underwater training......................wowowowowowowow........they r just way too exciting. Of coz, I would use some of Bruce Wayne's dreams too, as his are super WICKED as well - his plots are more detailed scripted. ummm....................

2. Just simply about me. About how I think......what makes an ordinary becomes so extra-ordinary. hehe. Alittle bit of psychoanalysis based on Dawnism too. However, I could easily just extract some entries here N paste together as a book. Hence good thing is - it's FAST.

Poll - (1) is abit epic, takes long time but could easily turn into another Lord of The Rings; (2) I could change the world with Dawnism theories and its fast

Morning Princess

"shy", dont ick me! 

Yes, ie what I have been greeted each day. Smitten?! Yes. Never check my morning greetings as much. You know what! Never like to be called princess. From my new Maus, yes, it's fine.....it's good....it's normal and so not cliche. My frenz advised me to take it slow. Slow? What's slow? Observe more? Observe what? I do things my own ways. Ok, well, he may hurt me or leave me one day, but so....?!?! It's not going to kill me. I just go back to my previous lifestyle. No msg every morning only.

After so many years, I realize it's not about the pace. I tried slow, fast pace before. Usually men pace faster. I pace slower. The ultimate results are the same - if it ends, it ends. Doesnt matter what speed you are on, except the hurt level, I guess ie what people talk about. U know what! I dont feel hurt from my ex-es, except the humiliation they put me in, the non-uniqueness they faked it on me, their deliberate showing me the ugly sides of human kinds...........that hurts, not coz they were my bf, but the failure in showing me some good sides of humans and simple fact of being a genuine human - why is it so hard to be genuine, to be oneself, to be honest......Shit it, just be one!

I am not looking for a forever ever epic luv story. I am not snow white and he or any man is  neither prince charming. I just want to be able to imagine to be seated in a little cottage on an island sipping coffee. This is my vision since maybe 18. Actually, oddly, he somehow could fit into this vision.......haha, yes it's too fast in this picture, but it's nice, so WHY NOT!?!?!

I would care for this new Maus even we are together or not together in the future, as how hard it is to find someone to accept me as who I am, while being able to feel my mood, my thinking before I would share......he will be my friend forever, even not luver forever. This is the simple confession and truth. :)

A Peaceful Sunday....

Finally.

I couldnt get the ticket to Ruby Seven, guess it's a blessing in disguise. Not like I so freaking want some booze or food...........though it would be nice sitting in a corportae box just drinking away.

So I slept.....alot. Without my dogs. Coz I chucked them to my dad's. I realize in my life I luv them so much hence they stress me out the most. I luv my new place as it has some kind of special soul in it, despite upstairs is a church thing coz I heard them playing christian songs - I could remember the drum N guitar melody as I used to be part of such groups....guess they are filipino though.

And there was a topic I wanted to talk about, loneliness vs boredom. But it seems I hvnt got the words in my head yet so, guess I am gonna do it when they come to my head. 

Actually today I am just missing my new bf very much. haha........

What I want.....

As many of you know, I am not planning to have any relationship this year. But guess when it's least expected, something will pop up. 

And I have been asking what I want in a guy, I guess as Mr Big in Sex And the City says (which I repeated it thousand of times of my agreement to this during past 5-6 years) - it's simple, "he makes me laugh" and he has to get me & accept me. And he does, for past few weeks he has been making me smile, laugh all day. We dont see each other much but actually that's kinda nice as well. So we could focuz on our work.

I can say that our first date was filled with all kinda unexpected circumstances - it's like the universe didnt want us to meet.......but the outcome was so much better than I expected. 

And I have to say, so far, he has given me a peaceful mind, restful spirit and smiley face! It's nice sometimes that someone could worry if you are on the way, get on the ferry yet, or just text/call u and say missing you. I mean it's totally different from what I have experienced - emotional unavailable men with no way of getting my twisted thinking. The sweetest thing he said to me today - I know you would be nottie but just behave! (O really?) yes coz this is you and I cant change it. (ok, I wont then!) - reverse psychology in such diplomatic way works on me (not other forms though - I excel in it, man!)

Thanks for being so sweet. I am not sure what's the future or outcome but it doesnt really matter as I feel happy today - that's what matters. :D

Lazimaniac Packing Episode Finale

OK, seriously, I am super lazy in my packing mode. I am looking at my paperwork - that will take me 2 hrs. And I am thinking of my clothes - well, I am not going to even touch them. I will let the movers move them as they are positioned. Yes, except I will cover my bras & panties and stuff with some towel - apart from that, Oh, what the hell. Esp, I never feel this is my home, I never unpack anything actually - yes I got some clothes hung, I got some files, I got many books, but they are all like at the same place. I am going to execute a radical throwing action in another 6 hrs. I only have 30 hrs left. tic toc tic toc. And in btw, I am going to spend maybe 5-6 hrs just trying to clean up my new place. I still have things I should have bought for my new place but I just try to delay everything - I really just want to stay in the balcony there N not doing anything for 4 weeks.

Too many shits again happened to me in March, according to my supreme master, ie my shit month. Anyhow, I am going to be fine...............I AM GOING TO BE FINE.

I am also starting to get freaked out about my dogs too. Argh, why dogs bark??? Why they cant quietly meow. I mean, why do they have to fucking bark!!????? Hope I wont get kicked out from my new place, which is not supposed to have residents or pets..............SHIT, coz of a balcony I am taking such a risk, but seriously who wouldnt, I NEED A BALCONY!

WHAT????

Is he kidding me??? Ar, anyways, I cant say. All good things I tell people always turn out to be bad........so WONT SAY. Except, WHAT!!?? Are you kidding me????? OK, if it comes true, thanks to the universe. And U can be sure I am gonna take alotta pics. :)

Sometimes, it's just the shoulder.....

I didnt hv this for long time. After a farewell party, 2 frenz came to have dinner with me. We had a nice time.  SO we split then one of them stopped me.

Despite I didnt know him for long time, maybe altogether met for 4-5 times, he felt I was tensed and so we just nudged in a dark staircase to chat. It was nice to have someone to spend time with you at wee hour just to see how I was. I didnt know what to tell him, but I just bla bla........at the end, of coz he offered his shoulder but I couldnt cry either. He said, I shouldnt be too tough but the thing is.....I am not trying to be a tough cookie, I just couldnt. Anyhow, the only thing I could remember was before I hopped onto a cab to head home, I could melt myself in his hug, which was......something I hvnt got for long time. A hug of comfort. And it was........really nice.

No no no.............not bf potential. Id rather have more frenz than a stable bf now.

NICE!

:-) or :)

I have been messaging with many men and women all my life. I find it interesting that when they use smile icons, they do slightly different from galz.

Men use :-), galz use :) more often.
Except Bruce Lee, he uses (^^)
I think :-) looks abit more mischievous, while :) looks cuter.

See if you could see this generalization in your life..........^^, :), :D, :p

Memory of that split second

As of this moment, I know what I should do - PACK & PREPARE to move, but I really dont feel like doing anything, except sitting here to think, wearing a princess crown on my head - to think more fairytale-ly.

Sometimes, I wonder why certain things that I put on make me feel like I am a fairy. Interesting. Did I ever say that I liked fairy tale? I esp like Little Mermaid. Maybe it's the songs. Anyhow.

I am thinking - I am doing some thinking of the split seconds of memory. I am quite good at not remembering stuff nowadays, but then when a split moment of memory split by - I could relive that bliss or plight of that moment. The things happened to me lately has destroyed some good part of mine, but it also has grown some constructive side of mine. I am not sure how the effect will be, but I feel it's time I should start writing the book I have been talking about. Some tell me, I shud just start right here right now. I am thinking of the beginning or the prologue. But you know what, screw it, I am going to do it.............I want to capture this split seconds of memories. They are somewhat heavy  happy and heavy sad.

Now, this moment, I really feel like to exhale all my breath so just to suck in the every drop of air around me. Yes, ie how I am feeling right now. It's good, I am going to have a balcony in my new flat, so I could try to walk outta "window" without thinking - should I jump just to breathe in the air I am desiring after. Sadly, I wish I could cry, but I couldnt anymore. I dont know where my tears have gone to. Maybe, as I wish, they were all shed. I once believe that my tears could fill a standard size of swimming pool. haha, now, it's dry......

"My luv, My luv, stay here"

"I am wandering to the desert"

"I am lost in the mirage - and it's crystal clear, how strange!"

"Come back here, My luv My luv"

"Dont go near the mirage. Folklore says, Mirage is a blackhole, dont go near!!"

"It's going to suck you in and you could never come back"

"Stay here, My luv My luv"

"Dont you go near the mirage of blackhole. It's going to suck you in"

"Please, just stay here at where you are"

"The wind is blowing. I cant stand still. I need to walk"

"Dont walk towards it"

"Just stay here"

OK....yes

OK, yes.....maybe coz of my period just arriving 1 hr ago, I have this melancholic moment.
I have no words to explain but I managed to squeeze few drops of tear. It's an improvement, as a previous famous crying baby, I cudnt shed a drop of tear. I am glad I finally actually did.

Pain & Tears

I met a dear friend of mine tonite. I hope she would read it here. What I want to say to her is that - DONT CRY anymore.......be tough facing the nasty people. Be as arrogant & bitchy as you can when you come face the horrible dudes. They just like to prey on the emotional types, so enhance your EQ, be happy at this moment. Dont allow these assholes affect your emotion for more than 12 hrs, ok 24 hrs la for you! You got me, You got your family, You got friends, YOU got YOU. No need shed tears becoz they belittle you. DONT!

(((((HUGZ))))) x 100000000000000 TIMES

I really believe if you could go through this, the repeating pattern will diminish. The universe only allows potential people to go through stuff. Idiots have no need to go through stuff. So how can you be AT ALL useless? :) Luv U. Just stay focuzed. Do what you have to do. Prepare the next step. Find clarity in the midst of mess. 

Thanks for calling me - I am so glad I could be there for you! KISSES.

few nites in a row

Today, I just realize I didnt eat last few days, except a small breakfast.
Like last nite, I wanted to make something but I just got no appetite..................
Universe, just take me away from this misery...........I got no strength to be better, to fight.........
Too many dramas these 2 years, enough is enough
Just kill me now.

Collapse

Sigh, i think it happened.
My world is back to grumbling rockbottom again.
OK, maybe it's time to just.............do something else. Holy SHITS!

Book

Lately I told Mr Pasta that I would want to write a book, no, few books.....about my dreams, or about my research in my head.....or just about me..........

It's very nice that he has been asking me every 2 days if I have started it or not. This brings me to think.....

Sometimes in our lives, we do need someone to remind you how good we are, or what we should do. It's not like we dont know it, but we need that nudge, that push. Today I am under very anxious state, so I have been writing here nonstop. I keep wanting to write so I can keep my mind off it. And maybe I should really start assigning time to write the book I always want to do..........yet I am very greedy as I dont know I should write about my sci-fi dreams or my research. And the easiest way out is ...... to kinda sew some of the pieces here together, dah-dan....here's a book. Arrggghhh, I dunno, maybe I could start another blog for it. I dont think I can write write something - I like writing it here as I feel like I am talking to someone. My mind runs fast when I feel I am talking to people.........

Anyways, I will distract myself now with replying emails and pondering how I should start this book. Yes, guess a new blogspot may be a good idea.....ummm.....ok. :)

Rules

Guyz - treat the galz of your dream or your luver like princess, you will be a KING (stole from a sweet pasta)
Galz - be less princess, your guyz wud treat you like a Queen with respect & romance

Guyz - be consistent
Galz - be less demanding of the consistency

Guyz - message & massage your luver
Galz - less clingy but be proactive

Guyz - spend time with her
Galz - loose the leash, let him have his alone time or guyz nite more

Guyz - understand why women have a leash on u
Galz - understand why guyz need space & freedom

Guyz - crack a joke
Galz - U also crack a joke

Guyz - wear a condom
Galz - always demand a condom

Guyz - just let her cry
Galz - just let him talk and not hate what stupid things he says to comfort u

Guyz - be a man
Galz - be a woman

Danny Chan again.....

This song is my all time favourite, I could memorize the lyrics. I could even sing it at Karaoke. Maybe I should pick up guitar again. I remember Ellie once told me I should sing with guitar - hahaha.....:P 

Inside the song, it talks about "having you, everything is alrite" - and "we could turn into a bird & fish, and we could just be in the infinite sky and ocean", "it is fun even if we fall" - I find the melody always brings me to be submerged into the water, feel the serenity & the clarity of the beauty. Beauty of life, or maybe luv.......

Luv Luv Luv

My gift to you, my good frens, who may have shared the same collective memory of a HK legend. And I want to say I feel U in these lyrics. Coz of you, you have made me so happy! :)

Thanks Bruce Wayne

My Best fren has a secret identity, yes Bruce Wayne. He's a busy man as you know, but,

He always makes me feel I worth Million Bucks, no, I meant Billion Bucks.......hehe.

Someone asked me lately if I got any frenz who know me more than I know myself. Honestly, the answer is No. The most wud be like 70%, I guess. But still, maybe only 30%. I dunno....30% of me, I guess. I am always open to talk about myself but I dont expect people to "know" or understand me. It's abit difficult, isnt it? I dont even spend time to know the person 100% becoz we keep changing, or at least I keep changing......what I want is the mutual understanding of things, of boundaries, and we can share sorrows or happiness, when in times of trauma we are there for each other, when we want to cry, we listen to each other tears.; when we are excited or happy, we genuinely laugh with each other (it's harder than you would think to have someone to be indeed happy with or for you).

Guess if I am upset, the person who knows me best would be not talking to me - just let me be, as I tell you everytime I am the first one to crack a joke to make the moment better. And when I am happy, their eyes sparkle with joy. Ummm, then I can tell I have more than one, actually quite a no of them who "know" me that way. And truthfully. Bruce Wayne is the one who shares most of these moments, not so much now, as we are both very busy - he has his affairs to take care, I have my lifestyle to maintain. But we always talk on emails, share the deep secrets of sadness or joy.........Another person I have to say would be my roomate back in Melb, Ellie Mama, we dont keep in touch much but her love for me......is hard to describe  and of coz vice versa...................

Actually now I want to cry, no actually I am crying now. Some situation has caused me anxiety. It's like I am not sure if there's a tomorrow. Shit, that's how I have been living for the past 2 years.I havent cried for long time but I really feel helpless.

Busy Sats

I was checking my schedule and realize that all my Sats from March till mid Apr have been booked out - Farewell, Mom Big Bday party, Wedding x 2....................

I think I really need to make sure of my weekdays now......weekend will be hard to work with all these fuzz around.

Bored....again

I dont get bored easily but now I am.......becoz I am starting to pack up my place & move to another place, a cheaper one - super lucky me. But I realize people have been giving me so many samples despite I have been giving away every quarter, I still couldnt empty them. I try to be a minimalist, I think I just couldnt be......with my 2 dogs, sis kids' books......yes I am in charge of their education well-being as well. I stopped for few months as I got really stressed out to ensure they get good scores, while their parents are not taking good care of that sector, whereby I couldnt NOT do it, as if they couldnt do well, their mom would punish them......

Punishment being......fine, yes money fine. Or, composition, 2000 words of composition. Then my mom (their grandmom) would be upset they dont do well......the whole things stress me out. Becoz I cannot be there 24 hrs a day, all I could do is to phone tutoring them.

As I am packing up my stuff, I find many of their books, worksheets are with me ....... I kinda have to devote some time to them again. Ie one of the reasons I move away from them, as I want to tutor them exclusively over the phone or skype, instead of running across the street to help them solve their issues (yes they live just across the street).

Well, to some it's little issue........but believe me when U r in my shoes, U just dun get it why U are the one. As for me, I am happy to do it for them as they are the 2 babies I luv the most in this world, yet I am such a loner......I hate to have such committment & responsibilities for something that dont REALLY belong to me. It's kinda....I got no words to explain. I just feel bored at the distraction.......the routinely repeating the vocab, the grammar stuff.....I am not a mother material for sure, but I know I cud be a chic aunt only.....:)

Sigh.....I have been grumbling alot lately, but exclusively here. No one has a earful from me so far, as I am too bored to tell my side of stories.....so if U get bored by my entries lately, come back in 1-2 weeks.....as indeed things are so boring boring............everything is wait wait wait. All my projects are wait wait wait. My new flat is wait wait wait. Arrggghhhhh..................I specially made an appointment with a frenchman who dropped one of the crazy ideas to me - while of coz he liked my suggestion, so I specially made a coffee appointment with him on Tue, as I got so bored that I needed someone to drop more crazy ideas on me. (usually I wouldnt bother with such ideas.....as it's always just talks......)

Arrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh................I AM BORED.

I should say.....I am fine being alone, I dont get bored being with myself. However, I get so so eaily bored by tedious stuff..........like packing house, like teaching primary kids.........arrghhh....sollie.

Our first stolen cigar & the cupid's arrow

The other nite at a friend's bar, one of the customers ipodded songs from Danny Chan. Took me back to alotta memories. First was how my dad hated him and didnt allow me to listen to his songs, whereby I never fought with my parents when I was young, as it's a survival skill. Next, was the shock he killed himself, which at that time I thought I wanted it too. Then, this song which I actually never listened (since I got less exposure to his songs) reminded me my time in Melbourne, how I was trying to play one of his albums.

And while listening to this song, my friend asked me if I ever been in luv. The truth is never. I dont have this first luv memory - but I dun feel sad, guess in that department I am a virgin. hehe.....

Anyways, enjoy both chinese & english version.

1. English Version

Danny Chan - First Luv

Once upon a dream
When this old world isn't what it seems
My love and I lived inside a smile
The time was nigh
We broke down and we cried
Refriending dragonflies
Lullabyes and funny little rides
We'd spend the night time
Counting countless stars
Choking on our stolen first cigar.
There is no reason , no rhyme
No need of keeping track of time
A life just passing and life just beginning
First love ensnared my mind
Wonderland was waiting
Butterflies went fluttering by
We wore our raincoats standing in the sun
One by one
Good time had just begun
Quite lost in a trance
My love and I lost in loving dance
Turning around and turning again
Never knowing it had to end
There is no future no past
Your first love won't be your last
First love don't last oh no it won't last
But it's worthwhile remembering when 

2. Chinese Version 

中文版     陳百強創作集 --- 初戀
歌曲：初戀主唱：陳百強作曲：陳百強填詞：鄭國江大碟：不再流淚年份：1980
張眼看目前，沒有一些可比那天。
每日與她相見都歡笑
太快樂 我願留住每一天
春季雨綿綿，在那街邊，
讓雨水輕輕濺。
雨水絲絲打我心都甜，
好比愛神的小箭。
情緣任它自然，愛戀會源源不斷。
舊的夢才完 又有新的夢來圓。
但初戀偏惹懷念。
此際念從前，渡遇多少歡欣昨天。
惱恨愛戀偏偏多變，
這快樂背後藏著了淒酸。
相對再無言，若有交通，
定會傾訴沒完。
兩顆心倘不可以相連，
相見又如不見。
* 情緣任它自然，愛戀會源源不斷。
舊的夢才完又有新的夢來圓。
但初戀偏惹懷念。  

It's NOT a story

O well, the "friend" I mentioned in my Mutated Universe entry could of coz never get a hand to my blog. I just copy & paste the entry to him. U know what he said - wow, funny story. HUH?! FUNNY...storyyyyyy....??? IT"S NOT A FUCKING STORY. IT"S A WAY OF THINKING.

No wonder I never got the feeling I should let him read here. I dont even want him to be somehow enlightened by my words. To me, it's more insult telling me this, than telling me I look like a man, or call me Mr Birdie. (seriously, when I had short hair, I constantly got mistaken). hehe.

Then, next, I got really turned off if someone called me a princess, which seriously I never had this gene. And fortunately, never been called as well. (I would seriously get mad - U really dont want me to be mad). However, one strange thing is I always got various princesses around me - I am not YOUR boyfriend, STAY AWAY FROM ME. Dont princess on me, plz, women! I tell you the age range sfrom 10 to 60 - yes, ie the range I encounter. But I cant blame them too, they just got it in them......

O well......now, this is a reflection, not a story. My dreams are a story. My detailed description of a day could be a story. This is ALSO not a story.

Sorry, abit frust........

After one month of superactive lifetsyle.....

I suddenly feel abit bumped.
Ummm, yes, it's a guy. Nah, nothing to tell........just abit bumped.

I think women prefer consistency, while men are sporadic.
Ie, why men have spores to spread, women have controlled temp wombs....

Anyhows, no biggies, just abit bumped
it's good to pull me down from the sky at times
I need to be grounded, despite I am a legless birdie.

We are so TINY.

Daily, how many times we complain about this or that around us?! Shitty traffic, horrible passerby........imagine tsunami hit u rite at the moment you were swearing someone. Not worth it. This is not a reflective entry.

I am thinking some of us are so interested in the 2012 Mayan calender, and I am sure this quake is going to spiral to all these spiritual enlightening again. I am excited to see the day of 21Dec2012 too, but I guess we should just live our lives. We are tiny anyways, why do we need to get tinier?

http://edition.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/03/11/japan.quake/index.html

I dont know what I am doing?

My friend whispered to my ears last nite, telling me I wasnt happy and I didnt know what I was doing for my life?!?! HUH???? Hello.....me???? I have transcended, surpassed all understandings, no sorry, MOST understandings......me??? Argh, well...............I guess she was jealous. Honestly, if she could read english, she could have read some of my entries here. I dont talk much anymore, what's the point talking to average brain sized human beings. I dont see the points explaining my views, why I chose certain lifestyle or opt for not getting married to a man who couldnt get his thing up & going, plus with depression? Sorry.......no words from me, speechless. How DARE she compares me with her,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lol

Actually, sorry, she isnt my fren. She's my fren's fren but she likes me so much ------she touches me even on a cab,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what's in her right mind? Sorry, I really couldnt be a lesbian. :P

I dont understand why people always want to compare me with them, like "we are the same kind" - ok, I always dare not ask this in a big voice - HOW???????????? BASED ON WHAT??????? We so totally are not similar, yes we are same kind based on my last entry, but.........we manifested differently. COME ON.

But now, in order to make people listen to me, I would always tell them - Yes I am like U, so ie why You should do this instead of that, coz I wouldnt do that, hence You should do this......Cheekie, huh!!??

To be frank, I totally dont get it why people cant live the way they want. Some are idiots, but I think it's blessing for them to be. And the thing is we come in & mess around with them, we are even more idiots, can we save them? rescue them? Who says they are made to be genius?  Just let them be. As my life principle be, dont be judgemental. Actually, I am very judgemental towards myself. Anyhow...........I realize I attain the aura of natural high, not even drugs could replace......hahahaha.....yes I tried something but really I got no feeling (have been stressed) - I wont touch it again as I hate the whole situation........it's totally bullshits why people need to resort to it, I dont see it as a hiding place. I dont understand why they need to mess with it. For me, everything I have been doing is for my research - I should indeed write a book in 2 years time. Frenz, pls mark my word - remind me I should.

Anyways, dont get scared.............I am totally fine. Her words didnt affect me at all, or drugs dont get me liking them at all - on the contrary, finally I tried, I realized I hate it, seriously. :)

Mutated Universe

Someone said to me lately I always used generalization. Actually, I do alotta categorization. My categories or "generalization" are not based on books or folklores, I experience/feel the flow and then analyze the difference, extract the common to come to term my category. I reckon, only 10%, or actually less could stand out to be different, so it's safe to use my category to label certain scenario, certain race, certain human behavior, for me anyways. 

That jumps to, there are always universal truth of certain things. We cant help but be bound by it at times. E.g. We have the gravity. We have the sun in our solar system. We need oxygen. In reality, less metaphysics, we have human behaviour universal truth. They are sometimes beyond your comprehension, yet, as you read Bible stories, they are actually pretty universal. At times, I would wish for a mutated universe intervention, then you have the belief that life could be slightly prettier. That would be sometimes we call "luck".

My friend asked me not to generalize, why? Coz I guess on some level everyone wants to be different. However, as I knew long time ago, we all have the same core, the difference is on the manifestation only. Ie why I dont understand why we dont try to be better, better than the same core. Is it that difficult? For me, I feel on many fragments, I have already surpassed the core, as I have transcended from the basics. However, like a trapped broken leg birdie, I feel I am strangled as well, becoz I am not at all sublimed to another phase, another plane.

Major learning, hopefully if you agree, is to reckon we are all the same, come from same core, wombed/bathed once in that same core (abit matrix theory here) - then you have the power to be different. I guess this is the reverse from what people say nowadays, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. Sorry, I just cant concur with this statement. :)

But all in all, as a universal human being - I gotta say I am VERY UNIQUE. hehe

It always started off like this....

Well, Whenever I have stress, I always have a similar dreamset location - Melbourne. My mind always wanders off there.

Last night, the same, I had a dream of the street I wandered alot when I was there - everytime the place looks different in my dream, this time I wanted to find 3 shops. One would be vintage shop. Another one is always pastry shop - I dont actually go there for pastry, and in reality there was no pastry shop there. Third one, I got no idea what it is and I couldnt remember.........

This time, I was debating in my dream, as usually my dreamset would be different, There was always very elaborate stretch of restaurants - it's not Victoria market, but its a whole stretch of things. So I was telling myself it's a dream, the other one was also a dream. It's good this time I didnt have to be on a tram, as there were always various trams and I gotta walk to the right terminals to take the right tram - in other dreams I always got lost. I rarely got lost with trams when I was in Melb, as I could always felt the rite ones to take.

Too bad the currency is so high, going back there for a visit to my 2nd home wouldnt be at all a bad idea......

Terminating what disrupts my routine

Many things have been disrupting my routines since Feb. Now, I gotta delete, terminate them. Regroup, Refocuz. I am so concerned with my belief, I am so afraid everything will be ruined. I wasnt afraid last month as I just wanted to play. I am telling myself since last week, darling dawn, it's time to stop. Pick up your messes. See someone just terminated you. Shit......first time ever someone fires me. hahaha....but the feeling isnt that suckie at all though. Weird.

However, seriously, I got distracted. I need to focuz back all the numerous projects people have been discussing with me but nothing has yet set the goal towards. Some projects are so conceptual that I am not sure they will fly, but by talking about them make my creative genes moving - when my mouth moves, my mind moves faster and then my body energies. No wonder I got sick as last month my mouth wasnt moving much.....verbally anyhows. hehe.

COME BACK TO EARTH, ORION or STARSEED. COME BACK. COME BACK. I sometimes wish I would be just a starseed flying through the black space, being sucked into the BLACK HOLE. I really really want to know what's inside of black hole. It could be a time-trapper - maybe I could actually stay there and see past, present & future like a movie.

Talking about movies, I hvnt got time to see movies. No chance to check out the film fest as well. Maybe next year. But I need to go to a cinema. I need to be uninterrupted to see a movie. No phones, No dogs - just spend 2 hrs silent. I want to be taken away from this dreaminess I have rite now. Every day for weeks, I feel like zombie. My eyes are blurred and I cant sleep well. Maybe I took something from BKK & TWN back......shit..................hope not!

Terminated

Argh, I got terminated from a project, just got an email. HAHAHAHHAAH.

Well, I seriously didnt put much effort in, at 1st I did, I was working very hard for this company but they dont pay good, despite. Then we could never come to finalizing any things, then I chased for one quotation for "their client" - it took me one month, I still couldnt get it. It's her fault, or mine? I dunno, guess it's mine then.

Argghh, now I have to refocuz on my other stuff.......which would take long time to fly but I am going to spare 60% of my time on the short-term and 40% on the long-term. 

I should still thank the universe for this, as the thing is she's always creeping in my mind - I hate feeling I am not doing enough despite it's peanut money (not enough even to pay rent - how peanut it is), but she did save my toughest hour end of last year, so I will still help finishing the hopefully "their client" project.

Having headaches now. Hope things are all as smooth as I think this year will be. Mr Funny gave me something to read - some Master Key System, heard it circulated bilingual in China. I hope I could master the secret of being successful & becoming money-making machine for others (the code is you have to make money for others in order to make money) - sorry, my level is low, dont really understand completely. But it's good not to understand so I can think, can get something to distract my headaches.

Hope everyone is happy & kicking....luv luv luv

Art of having a mistress

Well, to repay all my guy friendz' kindness, let me give you a hint where to ensure the secrecy & discreet-ness of keeping a mistress no. 1, 2, 3......

It's to rent a flat in the old commercial building, just convert it into a comfy loft. Ie what I am doing now.....turning a commercial office into my little home (WITH BALCONY). Imagine it, the problem of going in & out of a hotel or a residential area, it's fishy, people know U got something. However, in a commercial bldg, it's cool, as you are just going in & out for business meeting or something like that......

Can I get royalty if someone copies this idea??!!!

No, I got no sugar daddy.....:) I just hv this thought.....what's the best perfect crime of having affairs. hehe.

Actually, I am abit concerned with my new place, it has no kitchen but small bathroom. I wanted it so badly coz they have a balcony - I see I dont need to use kitchen or bathroom so much but I need balcony more per day. I am just abit afraid that someone could complain about my dogs, so I am thinking of installing glass doors, maybe to block my dogs accidental barking or something......we will see. Wish me good luck for at least 2 years as I dont think I want to move for next 2 years.......may this place bring me good luck, good luv, good fortune, good in everything - I even hope all my next door neighbour will move out so I can get all my frenz rent them - coz this bldg is CHEAP!!!!!! ^^

I am not an employee

Thenm why do I have to read their emails...............thousands upon thousands from the same person. I dont want to know so many things, just give me the items & let me sell to customers. Period.

Then, I know this dutchman is going to call me, he's going to yell at me. The fact is I diplomatically soothed him last week, but due to that bunch of mother fuckers, I am gonna get yelled at................ARRGGGHHHHHH.

It's 2:32am, I am going to sleep for max 5 hrs. Then I am going to channel all my energy towards not working with them - my other projects must must must get realized. Let me do the list:

1. Sign out a secrecy agreement, sign N send back
2. Call the HK woman again to see when she's going to meet me
3. Bank in money to another project
4. Find the air tix to VN to see if the frenchman still wants me to be in the fair
5. Shitty costica brand - still hv to call & reply emails, but never mind lah.....just do it
6. The container projects
7. Taiwan co's global consultant - kakakaka.....I asked my frenz to give me this title......kakakakaka.......I need to start reading their stuff man
8. same as 7, but I need to come up with crazy ideas, brain - work work.....think of crazy product concepts. Very hard nowadays for me, as I am so out of touch from this world, but stillk, think think think............
9. Fill up still the mother fucker co whatever forms or sheets about whatever, I dont even know what the heck they want
10. Contact my TV shopping fren about this healthy drink, I keep forgetting for more than 2 weeksssssss
11. The parallel import - really think & plan to make it happen
12.Aus brand stuff, tedious
13. i cant remember................

So many,huh?! yes, I am well-sorted after but everything takes time.....that's why I am so brain stuffed, I am not filthy rich yet.....as this will be Mr Funny & my goals, to be filthy rich. Mr Funny, if U r rich, pls let me ride on your private jet.

Burn me to ashes

Then put me in a nutshell.

I have no patience to guess work. I have no patience to rework.

Every fucking email I send to this fucking company IS THE SAME, THE SAME. WHEN? WHEN good be dilvered? WHEN WHEN WHEN? They would reply - I delay on confirming AW. No, wait, me? U stupid ass wanted to change the article no of AW. ANYONE knows what is an article no of AW? huh? Noooo......took me 2 days to get an answer. Just fucking say it the first time,. Fucking idiot!

JUST BURN ME INTO ASHES and BURY ME IN A NUTSHELL.

THEN, pls put me into the SILK ROAD DESERT.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, a bunch of ass-sucking mother fuckers.

Your Highness

Mr Funny is so funny, he's just so damn funny.
I dont even know when he started calling me "Your Highness". And of late, some people start to call me Queen.
Shit, am I that anal??? But good they dont call me princess, I would hate it, and think of it as an insult.

Ar, what the hell?! I am a bitch. I am anal. I am high maintenance! Pls maintain me...........hohohoohhooh

Mortified

I should turn into a zombie.. I sent my blog link to someone I didnt plan to.
You guyz know how my blog is like. I dont talk about sweet stuff, ok?!
Sometimes it's bloody here.
Now, I feel so mortified. Shy. Embarassed.
hahahaha, but what the hell, I dont really care how others see me anyways.
Hope he wont get all the naked deadening pics in his head so much.
Dont want to pollute the world so much. I already keep polluting with my ideas verbally, not the mind, plz. LOL

My god..........I am a plan idiot.

galz

Well, I wanted to write about one kinda uptight galz but then I was so caught up with phone calls, I havnt started it. My god, staying in bed for 2 days made me work like nuts today...........I should thank the universe for offering so much things to gnaw on. Luv the word "gnaw" - so nasty & wicked!!!!!

1. Uptight galz

O well, I introduced this fren to a gang. I casually asked, since she has been looking for bf, if she liked anyone. She kinda "told me off" tone saying it's her affair. Hey, lighten up bitch! Was thinking if I would need to help you out. And maybe I wouldnt steal him.............lol

gosh, what's wrong with women??????>?>?????????????

Just say NO one lor if dont want anyone to know.....................DIU!

DENIAL is the BEST MEDICINE.

2. SWEET galz

I came up a phrase becoz from observing a genuine sweet gal. She's a selfless person. Really, I havnt seen more selfless person ever.  For her crazy boss, for her family, for her friends, for me........etc. Everyone has an agenda, honestly I constantly have an agenda esp now I am so on my own, also, I have learnt the value of being with myself. However, with her, I just told her - she couldnt be like this. One thing ie very important, being selfless doesnt mean you luv the world. I feel being selfless means you dont luv yourself enough. 

And 

NO ONE SHOULD LUV YOU MORE THAN YOU YOUSELF!!! 

Being sweet, giving in dont mean you could save the world. No No. You need to save yourself first, ie everyone's own responsibility, not someone's elses. However, for some it's very difficult as it's how one has been educated, brought up. It's totally nothing wrong for galz or even guyz like her occasionally ask "WHAT ABOUT ME!!??" "WHY ME?!" to show protest!

Not for you guyz, just for them exclusively!!! :) dont be rascal, my dears.

I hope they would one day learn the beauty of luving themselves. It is a hard process. Not easy, seriously. I hope they would think about themselves how to make their face less dry, how to make their spine less strained, how they could enjoy a good meal FOR themselves once in a while, how they would travel to places that they actually want to go, despite it's a stupid place, but not go to stupid places for someone else.

Luv U my sweet babygal, just dont ever do it again. Luv yourself first then you will have strength to "safeguard" others, not SAVE but safeguard. okok? xoxo

I have been bitten by a snake

Funny Story.

Oh, sorry, did I mention it's a dream?! haha

OK, as u know I had a dream about a golden pyton with 2 huge giant sea turtles.

Just now, I had another dream about snake. weird.

It seemed this snake - beige with some pattern - was supposed to be some sorta pet so it could roam around the room. I hate snake so it's not possible I wanted it so much to have one around me at all. Anyhow. The next scene was as usual (like the previous one) - Lottie showed up, this time Shadow also showed up. At first, shadow was chasing after it, so I was trying to separate them. It worked. But when the snake gnawed on Lottie, I couldnt break them apart, except using my hand to let it bite me instead. And it bit so hard that its teeth marks were so vivid. But I was fine, didnt die. I remembered saying to someone, Oh no big deal, just some marks. Next I went on a dinner, started drinking - then I felt that the venom mix with the alcohol so fast that I got drunk straighaway then fainted.

However, supposedly in dream life, things could vary alittle, Lottie's behaviour had no diff. She was trying to chase after it, even she was bitten badly - and we gotta use a divider to separate them. My goodness, why would I think I should keep a snake and do stuff to keep its quiet space?! Weird.

That will do it

A nasty flu made me want to see a doctor and take medicines. Finally.
It all started, I believe, from my 4 hr sandy slopey uphill hiking trail. The reward was awesome and the landscape was amazing. But I think it aggravated the flu blown effect and I was half dead for 2 days until I saw a doctor this morning. I wanted to cry to the doctor as I couldnt even speak properly. I couldnt open my mouth properly as well.

Anyhow, I am fine now. But it's good to be able to sleep non stop basically for hours & hours, which as you know hard to come by for me.

Then I got this obsessive idea that I wanted to discard my dog Lottie as she's just so pain in the ass, mess up my place the way she sees fit, and she plays with poopoo constantly with or without me around. I hate it with guts. But as I was working on my desk, she was sleeping under my chair waiting for me - my heart melted again. Sigh, she's stuck with me, or I should say I am stuck with her. I am moving to a new place - cheaper with a balcony. I am going to remodel so much that she cant do much damges to my stuff......what I call - Lottie-proof house. haha......

Sigh!

First time in my life

I feel I am not weird enough, not crazy enough...............
Ar, it should be a good feeling, but how come I feel beaten
keke.

Feb Updates

It's been a strange month......no one weekend is free.

First, made 2 trips. First was BKK, then it's now Taiwan. Cant say it's fruitful, but make me believe in one thing, I have to press on no matter how difficult it is. And no one knows who wins until the end. And understanding another thing is sometimes to deal with abit cunning but smiling all the time business people, all you can do is to act dumb at times, and wait for the right timing to do stuff. Never over-react, which I have been doing pretty well. Not to frenz thou.....ha ha ha. Guess, my fren is rite, my pb is I have been alone all the time - true, I feel the whole world doesnt exist but me, no clue that there will be jam at 8ish, and packed at 6pm in MTR.....I must change this mentality.

Second, is my french biz partner. I got no clue why he wanted me to go to Taiwan with him, and he proposed he would bring me to Korea for the next biz trip. It's getting abit weird.....but anyways, what the hell, as long as I got opportunities, I could handle weird.

Third, had few ad hoc dates, ad hoc drinkz with frenz, as well, of coz ad hoc trips. What's with people? Why I got offer to travel with people lately.............it's just unusual in somewhat.

Forth, I just knew a "blue blood" guy that I met in BKK asked about me.......wow.....lol......I am glad I left some impression. Why is it called blue blood but not purple or yellow? weird.

Fifth, I feel so free without my dogs, like now alone in hotel.......I could sleep the whole nite w/o being woken up. The fact is I feel more tired......weird, again. I guess I am a masochist.

Sixth, I fell in luv with tequila. Again, weird, I used to hate that burning feeling.

Galz nite

Maybe it's my problem, but I start to dislike galz nite. :)

I prefer guyz nite.

More.

Indeed. Galz nite.....gossipz. Nothing deeper to talk, nothing more intelligent.

Even a simple joke, I need to be scrutinized, it's very boring.

So basically, the whole nite, I got nothing to contribute, except eating............I hate eating actually. 

So, now I couldnt sleep coz I got stomach pain.

And I felt like vomitting the food. The food was nice but I am not happy.

But one thing is I am happy to see my fren to be in luv. So, I delayed-action checked on her recent pics on FB and I could tell she's so in luv. I couldnt deny sometimes I want those pics too. It's indeed something extra-ordinary. I hope they can last and things will work out for them. 

Duet

Didnt know it's one of the soundtracks from Twilight New Moon, my new favourite. I listedned to this at a fren's bar, and I just wanted to die there. Dont read the lyrics first, but just close your eyes & listen.



Rachael Yamagata - Duet
Oh Lover, hold on
'till I come back again
For these arms are growin' tired,
And my tales are wearing thin

If you're patient I will surprise,
When you wake up i'll have come

All the angerwill settle down
And we'll go do all the things we should have done

Yes I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll be here if you will only come back home

Oh lover, i'm lost
Because the road i've chosen beckens me away

Oh lover, don't you rome
Now i'm fighting words I never thought i'd say

But I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
I'll forgive you oh
If you just come back home

Hmmm mmmm
Hmmmm mmmm

Oh lover, I'm old
You'll be out there and be thinking just of me

And I will find you down the road
And will return back home to where we're meant to be

'cause I remember what we said
As we lay down to bed
We'll be back soon as we make history.

I AM ACTUALLY ADORABLE

OK, well, I gotta tell you, I am so full that I feel like vomitting.

As my fren's dinner was way too good N too much for me, I have stomach pain now.

Then, had few drinks with my frenz. Shit, since went to BKK Agogo bar, I start to really like tequilla. Big time, I just had 2 with other wines, no feeling. 

And my frenz who just told me they felt I wud be someone who would think of tedious, moliu stuff. Honestly, do I???? DO I give people just an impression? Anyways, people describe me as a butterfly and floating algae, I guess I do. But isnt that adorable?? I mean if you dont have butterflies in this world, it's gonna be really dull. It's my gift to the world. Actually they made it quite specific that I wasnt creative but only thought of ueseless stuff. Yet, seriously, isnt that the beginning of creative ideas-think of moliu (useless) stuff????

Dont get me wrong, I am opposite of mad. I am actually glad people tell me what they think as always 

But I am someone who is always curious to know. Actually I am always curious about many things, tiny thing, yes even tedious things. I like to dicipher stuff. I want to dissect every meaning to find the true underlining meaning. It's not an average brain ability to actually engulf such activities. I am adorable & have heavy brain matters.

I think in conclusion, I am just but an adorable ET. :)

seeing sweet msg makes me so sweetened up , BUT

It wasnt for me.....hahahah............:(
Well, I gotta know this german guy and he went back to Germany. I know that he has a gf in HK. And of coz he's in my Facebook. Every few days I saw his msg like "I couldnt believe how much I miss my babe" or "yeah, one more week less to see my babe"...................

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So sweet. Never had that in my life.

But guyz.......do that, tell your galz, they will do anything for you when U declare it. :)

It all starts from a battle

When you are not in your 20's, everything becomes more logical, more rational. Someone told me, now it's even harder to define liking someone, let alone "luving" someone. He's saying it takes more to do so anyways. I completely agree with him.

But, the feeling of being "in luv" or "adored" is something so magical. It makes you smile 100 times more in a day. It makes you walk 100 times more lightly even you walk on the same path each day. It makes you want to wear something colorful. It makes your heart feel the need to stay alive, to stay positive, to be ALIVE. 

I wonder, if this is a battle for us, or at least for me. 

To be frank, I wouldnt & couldnt go all the way to fall in luv or to be in a relationship. NO WAY. I just couldnt anymore. It has too much at stakes. I dont believe in "romance" much actually......but I want it. This is the complexity to our human mind, I suppose, The infactuation, the in-luv - I believe it starts from a battle of our logical mind & our emotions - I wouldnt want to use "heart". Sometimes, I wonder if I am indeed liking that person or I enjoy the battle more.

Movies, Songs talk about such battles.

And I am getting to understand those movies N songs more. haha. Late learner. I think it's great that sometimes things dont happen as fast as we want, actually the longing for that feeling grows or die....it depends of coz. But that's not a matter anymore, as that period is the battle. Once you so called "win" the battle in whatever means, that butterfly feeling is gone.

I have been dicussing with few people, mind is the biggest stimulator of anything. Indeed. So, I couldnt help but wonder, if luv starts from heart or the mind 1st? For me, definitely it starts from the mind. As it creates visuals, images, - actually it creates feeling. I gradually think what's the role of our heart. It doesnt seem to govern this part of emotion, except feeling the pain. it's weird, isnt it? People say you use your heart to luv, but I really think that only confines to agape love (herbrew - unconfitional love) such as luv for your kids, luv for my pets.....so unconditional. But once it's another human being, honestly, only saints could exercise agape for the people.......I know I couldnt. No wonder in Bible talks so much about god's luv, indeed, it's beyond comprehension & it's indeed un-human to be able to achieve such level.

So is there any conclusion? From me, not really. Guess this is an open subject. If you dig abit deeper, maybe you would realize something more profound on your own! One thing I know, I couldnt stop listening to Faye Wong lately......weird.

Art of Being Discreet

I got a call at 11pm, a woman voice started "jagging", I thought there was a big problem that occurred. Sigh, again, it's gossip. Not trying undermine her feeling, I could only tell her whatever she said with me ended with me too. What does she expect?

I sometimes find people will tell me stuff, not coz I am purely a good listener, but they try to probe me if I know anything else. Sorry, this thought isnt pure, but I am very sensitive how a person phrase a conversation. That's why I am always one on one with frenz, I dont like to cluster in a group. I get really turned off that I have to deal with each individual emotional issues, while I have to listen to their gossips about one another. I am too old, or they should think they are old enough to be OK to live without such a bunch of frenz, if their past time is to gossip each other.

Well, my topic isnt even talking about frenz. haha, but it derives from there. I think.....funny....really.....in my eyes majority of people are very dumb, incl me of coz. We thought we mastered the art of being discreet. Yet, to be frank, I dont see many who excel at it. I would say I am OK, but not good enough. However, I gotta say, my closest frenz would indeed tell me stuff that shouldnt be known by others, I enjoy this confidence - but if they start to spread other's little secrets around, then it's not even funny, it's super moron behaviour.

I know many men like to talk to me, I guess, coz they know I am  very absent-minded, or open-minded, or non-calculative person with a sense of what it means to be discreet. I dont esp over-react or get over-sensitive of what they have to say. Usually, I tell them off right at their face that they shouldnt do certain things, but then I accept who they are and what they do. Does it really matter that you are right & they are wrong? Does it matter that they are a sinner & you are a saint? Why judge?

Actually, people who tend to judge couldnt be discreet. Remember this my frenz. Stay away from judgemental people, as your little secrets could never been kept, or never attempt to have any rendezvous with such people if you want to be discreet. TRUST ME.

I should change this title to dont gossip instead, but actually I like to gossip about pple that I dont like, haha. Anyhow, it's not a very relevant or intelligent entry, but I will ponder on this topic and hopefully I could come out with something astronomically orgasmically inspiring. :)

Without doing anything or even meeting anyone

I have been called - A great Valentine's.

hoho, thanks europeans. :)

A Better Fit Mirage Song

Kept listening to Faye Wong these days.....now I dont like her, I used to luv her bitchy style.

王菲 - 怀念 歌詞

關起滿室 不足的氧氣 點著煙蒂 回味你的呼吸
搜索腦裡 爲完的龃龉 對著空氣 還擊著你的問題
推辭每次 真實的相距 困著自己 渴望著你的消息
沾沾自喜 拒絕的魅力 不著痕跡 享受著與你的距離

也許喜歡懷念你 多於看見你
也許喜歡想像你 多於得到你

懷念 歌詞
音樂 ABC

關起滿室 不足的氧氣 點著煙蒂 回味你的呼吸
散落一地 斷續的謎語 對著空氣 還擊著你的問題
推辭每次 真實的相距 困著自己 渴望著你的消息
翻來覆去 甜蜜的懷疑 故作神秘 延續著你的好奇

也許喜歡懷念你 多於看見你
我也許喜歡想像你 不需要抱著你

ＡＨ.....

也許喜歡懷念你 多於看見你
我也許喜歡想像你 受不了真的一起

In a Mirage

I am experiencing a mirage moment.
It is abit awkward, as it seems surreal yet surely unreal.
Anyways, I just luv this song so much.....today, was reminded of it.
(before I realized its the V day)
Totally unrelated.

But songs sometimes could indeed remind us a moment of our life
how we feel, how we think
guess this song represents the residue of my romantic soul (which is scarce by now)

:)

My toes circulation is COMPROMISED

Becoz at 3am, I am wearing a 4" very pointed stiletto while working. Actually, heels is not painful just while walking, sitting as well, as it squeezes your circulation. I havnt been on any form of siletto for at least 3 years. So, my new CNY resolution is I should be in some from now on. Yet, it's a pain in the feet to walk around HK with it.....road not flat, with stairs at MTR, except taxi in & out or with chauffeur.

I realize that one week CNY + last week at BKK, I got so much to catch up, esp with China finishing their CNY long holiday. I am starting to get really nervous, as I have been really laid back. So much to do, to prepare, to propose, to arrange.....I hope all these will pay me off good. Really. I need to work hard.

Usually bare feet at home, now wearing siletto purpose is to remind me that I gotta work hard so I can get a chance to play one day in siletto. haha, super nonsense & silly...................but it's gd training to my toes N feet anyways...........

Another Compliant

Either never got any ANY email of info from the EU company for 2 years, or I get thousand of emails from just one person with all scattered info in 3 days. Now I am so fucking confused.................which info is accurate............Shit!

Happy Vday

O mine, I actually found it weird someone asked me if I got a date today, and I said NO coz I got so much stuff to catchup, let alone all the movies from PPS are awaiting for me to browse. Then it occured to me, it's Vday and I totally forgot all about it.

My feeling?

No feeling? I dont need a valentine, actually I got few already. They are just waiting for me to nod, yet I am not desperate even to find time to nod, see how it goes, see how I feel, blablablah. I dont want valentines. I want fun fun fun, crazy adventures, I dont want a sweet date with the shitty restaurant decoration N set menu. So boring & cliche. I dont want flowers, esp fresh. I want really really expensive gorgeous fake flowers....hehehehe. If a man could find, I give him 5 days of any request adventure......lol

arr, crazy talks.

No, I really think it's great that lovers would spend the time to stop and ponder their luv or romance on such a date. It's good to be reminded at times, but being desperate about it is meaningless & tiring, at least for me. I hope everyone reading this has his/her own valentine, for me, my notebook is. I hope it doesnt die on me for another year, ie my notebook's valentine gift to me. :)

long time, since I have such stress

Few days ago, I got an email from this lady of the European Co that I work with - she asked me what's my vision for the cosmetic brand she's in charge with for TWN & China................WHAT? I dont even think this brand has a place anymore here, as not everything comes from France is popular. But how could you tell her, when she cc to the BIG SHOT?????

I hate people just dumping me such stupid question, when she doesnt even tell me what she really wants? My vision????? As a consultant, of coz it's sales driven - but for the "internationally known brand" from snobbish french, how on earth do I know?! First off, repackage the packaging - they look so old-school. Can I tell her? No....becoz she's not sitting face to face with me. Maybe she should just fly me to Europe 1st then so I understand better what's "high end", haha...sorry, it's so NOT high end. I would totally suggest her to go parallel import N online shopping solely.........re-building such an old-school brand via finding a distributor is unlikely, esp it's damaged by placing in wrong location now - SaSa. It was in Lane Crawford before, but that was like 10 years ago.

I re-wrote the email three times at least, as I got lost what kind of tone I should put. It's not one of my usual contacts, which I could frankly explain the situation, nor they would be attempting to pay me high income to do it. Yet, I could not NOT answer, as I know they are also trying to test me in somewhat. I really hate working with them now.................my job with them is supposed to be simple, I am not their employee. Why would they need me to be enthusiastic or devoted to their team or vision..........I am merely their consultant who make ends meet by making some commission with no fucking health benefit or bonus.......what do they expect me to be excited about? Except, I diligently get more orders, not for them, but for myself!

And one more thing I am so thrilled in getting mad about is that they talk so much bad things behind each consultant back, of coz the fucking french E has a role in it. I want to find a medical term to describe him. You know, for next meeting, I am going to record what the fuck he says and uses it as evident. I dont even know what his schemes are, yet...............since I am not a staff, all I need to expand (not excel) myself is to get contacts, contacts, info, info, from these bastards.........................Guess with good chinese genes, I am patient enough & acting dumb enough........hope I will win, seriously................I hope I am smarter, really, then I could win faster. 

Stress! In a very prolonged, tedious, and unspoken way.